


A New Reality (Sayonika)

by Luci_A_Fucking_Satanic_Gay_Goose



Series: Sayonika and Natsuri [1]
Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: A bit of Natsuri but not a lot, Abuse, Attempted Suicide, Depression, F/F, Mentions of Attempted Suicide, Sayonika, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:41:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 52
Words: 35,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23545546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luci_A_Fucking_Satanic_Gay_Goose/pseuds/Luci_A_Fucking_Satanic_Gay_Goose
Summary: The main character, Ryan, makes the good decision of ignoring Sayori's pleas for him to join the literature club and instead heading towards the anime club. This is where the story changes and the girls soon have their own choices to make.Sayori is on the brink of depression and can't handle much more. Monika is trying to keep herself together until the school year ends. They both meet in the same club, the literature club, and their lives begin to change. Will love save the both from their inevitable fates in the game or will they both lose everything they had left?
Relationships: Natsuki/Yuri, Sayori/Monika
Series: Sayonika and Natsuri [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1704019
Comments: 21
Kudos: 133





	1. Sayori

The gentle call of my alarm clock brought me back from the land of dreams. My eyes fluttered open, the sun shining through the gap in my curtains. I stretched and sat up. I pressed the button on the clock, the ringing stopped. I glanced at the numbers illuminated on the face. It was late. I buried my head back into my pillow, groaning as I realised that I had school. Why do I even bother? I get up everyday to do what? I fully know how worthless I am so school is something I hate. I have 30 minutes to get dressed and leave. I wouldn't even have time to eat breakfast. I'll just grab a protein bar and go.

"What's the point?" I whisper to myself as I wearily grab the clothes scattered on the floor.

I squeezed into my uniform, attempting to do up the final button. It just wouldn't stay. It was too tight. I sigh and give up, tying my ribbon into a small bow. I clumsily tie up my shoes, find a cereal bar in the cupboard and run out of the house. Normally, I'd walk to school with Ryan but he eventually got tired of waiting for me. Any explanation I gave didn't convince him. As I get closer to the school entrance, I notice a huge group of friends lost in a hearty conversation. I awkwardly linger behind them, to nervous to walk past. I hear some of their discussion.

"Are we going to see the film on Friday?" one of them asked.

"Of course we are, we've been waiting for the release for ages," another said.

"I've watched the trailer, like, 10 times this week," they all laughed together.

I blush slightly, realising how alone I truly am. I stride past them into school. They must've been the anime club, they had that look about them. It must be really boring. Talking about girls who wear barely any clothes. I feel myself blush harder.

**************************************

The school day drags on for ages. I forgot to bring money so I didn't eat at all. I don't think I learned anything either. I honestly wanted to jump off a cliff.

"Sayori?" a hand was waving in front of my face.

I looked up at Yuri. We sat next to each other in class and unexpectedly became friends. It somehow worked. 

"Are you alright?" she asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just spaced out for a second."

She runs a strand of purple hair through her fingers, a tell tale sign that she's nervous.

"D-do you want to walk home together?" She murmured.

"Sure, that sounds fun," I replied.

I had always intended to join a club but never had enough motivation to do so. I can't even get out of bed in the morning. Yuri and I walked out of the classroom in silence. I close the door behind us.

"Let's go," I give her a weak smile.

We walk down the corridor. Up ahead, I see a notice board. I stop to have a look.

"Are you coming?" Yuri had walked a few paces forward.

"You go on, I'll catch up," I say.

She hesitates, then rushes down the stairs.

"Clubs," I look at the board.

All the posters were about generic clubs. Ryan would probably join the anime club if he didn't waste his time on video games. One particular poster catches my eye. It has a massive heart on a pink polka dot background. Inside the heart, written in white, was the words 'literature club'. I write the room number on my hand and pull my phone out to text Yuri. I begin typing.

"Sorry, forgot I had a club meeting. You can come join me if you want."

I send it, knowing she'll just say no and go home. Yuri doesn't usually talk to people other than me. My phone buzzes in my hand.

"No it's fine, I'll see you tomorrow."

I switch my phone off and stuff it back in my pocket. I look at the class number, it's not a place I usually visit as it's used for third years. I run up the stairs and head down the corridor. I arrive outside a door that has a paper sign saying 'the literature club'. I knock then open it

"Hello?"

A girl turns toward me and smiles. She walks over to me.

"Hi, welcome to the literature club. I'm Monika, the president of the club," she says.

I giggle nervously. Monika. I recognise her name. I think Ryan has mentioned her a few times.

"Let's get to know each other," she pulls a chair out and sits down.

I take a seat next to her.

"So what made you consider the club then?" Monika asked.

"I saw the poster. It stuck out from every other one. I thought I should check it out. I do enjoy reading and writing."

She smiled at me again. It made me feel weird inside.

"What about you?"

"I used to be in the debate club but I just couldn't stand the politics around all the major clubs. I quit and decided to make my own."

"Why literature?" I ask

She paused for a moment.

"It's something I personally enjoy. I wanted to make it fun for others who don't have somewhere to think creatively," Monika spoke with passion in her voice. She clearly loved literature.

That's nice," I shuffle awkwardly in my seat.

"So do you write?" Monika rests her elbows on the table.

I nod timidly.

"What do you write then?"

"I write lots of poems. I have a notebook," I take it out to show her.

She opens it and reads one of the poems. Her eyes widen.

"This is quite dark, Sayori," she says, handing it back to me.

"I write a mix of happy and sad," I turn to another page.

I read out the next poem.

Walking

As I walk to school, I search my mind for my courage.

Reaching into every corner for something.

I notice a different path.

I walk to it

Trees lined the long, winding road,

leaves falling to the soft grass.

I breathe in new air

Take in the shimmering lake.

I smile to myself

I look up at Monika. She has a massive smile on her face.

"That was amazing," she clapped her hands together.

"Thanks Monika," I reply.

I feel my heart beating faster.

"I left my notebook at home but I'll bring it in tomorrow ."

"Okay, I look forward to it," I suddenly realise that I'm telling the truth. I really am looking forward to it

We sit in silence. I felt my face grow hot.

"Well first thing on the agenda, new members," Monika stood up," Let's try and find some people for the club."

She opened the door and we walked into the corridor.

"See you tomorrow, Sayori," Monika walks away.

I stand there in front of the door, not sure what to do. Maybe I should invite Yuri. It seems like her kind of thing.


	2. Monika

I tap my pen on the paper, unsure of what to write. I'd been distracted all day. I slam the pen on my desk in frustration then stop to listen. I couldn't hear my mums footsteps so I knew I was alright. My phone pings, signalling a new message from one of my friends. I look at the message and sigh.

'You coming to the party on Saturday? Aaron's gonna be there.'

I laugh. I couldn't care less about Aaron. Everyone thinks I have a huge crush on him but they don't know anything. They don't know that I'm gay. I reply

'I'll think about it. No promises though.'

I turn my phone off. My friends just annoy me so much. That's why I made my own club. It means I have time to myself and be able to meet new people. I also have a new member. I'm surprised that I got one so quickly because I only proposed the club about a week ago. The teachers did seem hesitant to allow the club but I managed to convince them that the club will be worthwhile. I have until the festival to get 3 more people to join. I'm now down to 2.

"Monika!"

My mums voice drifted up to my room. I freeze.

"Monika! Come here!"

I rose slowly from my desk and walked down to the kitchen. My mother was at the counter, preparing dinner.

"Hi mother," I say in a chirpy tone

She looks up at me and smiles. Everyone says that I have her smile.

"Hello dear," she kisses me on both cheeks.

I could feel my heart beat faster, waiting to hear the door open. Ready for the scream fest that was going to happen. He should be back by now.

"Where's father?" I asked.

She frowns, obviously quite annoyed.

"Business trip."

I just stop myself from jumping with joy.

"Remember, sweetie, you don't need a man to make you happy," she practically spat the words.

My mother believed she made a mistake marrying my dad. I'm not surprised, all they do is fight. Mainly about money. I don't even think they realise that I'm in the house when they do. I just stay in my room and listen to music, turning it up as loud as it can go.

"So how was the debate club then?"

I hadn't told my mum about me quitting the debate club. She'd be angry.

"It was good, we read out statements we had been preparing."

It technically wasn't a lie, Sayori did read her poem to me.

"Wonderful, anyways you go and finish your homework. We need perfect grades for the end of the year."

My stomach flipped in fear. I may get good grades but they've been slipping this year. I've been distracted. They're not the worst though. I turn to the hallway, ready to walk back to my room when my mum stopped me.

"I love you Monika."

Tears blur the edge of my vision

"I love you too mother," I run upstairs.

********************

School hadn't been that bad, slightly uncomfortable but, in general, I lived through it.

I was walking to the club room, my poem ready. I wrote it after my conversation with mum yesterday. I think Sayori will like it. As I turn the corner, I see her walking down the corridor. She waves to me and jogs over.

"Hi Monika," she smiled at me

"Hi," I replied.

We walked together, laughing and joking. It was nice to have someone I could talk to. I didn't get a lot of that with my other friends. They just gossip about other people.

"How was you're day then?"

I looked up at her.

"It was alright, just like any other day at school," I shrugged.

I open the door to the club room, holding it for Sayori. She thanked me and waited as I closed the door and placed my bag down.

"Okay, well, let's get started," I pulled pens and paper out of my bag.

Sayori stared at me in confusion as I set the packet of gel pens down on the desk.

"What's all this for, Monika?"

"Well, for today's club activities I thought you and I could write something to get to know each other better. Maybe we could do this for the new members as well. If we get any, that is," I hand her a piece of paper and offer the gel pens. She takes the blue one.

"Sounds good. Have you found anyone yet?" Sayori asked, taking the cap off the pen and scribbling on the paper.

"No, not yet. I'm still looking though," I take a golden gel pen from the packet and begin writing a poem.

"I tried asking my friend but she had different plans. She said she might come visit at some point," Sayori looked up from her writing. She already had half a page filled up.

"That's good. She might join."

I turned my attention to the poem on the paper. I was quite happy with it, it's one of the longest ones I had written so far. I also have the poem in my bag that I had promised Sayori.

"Are you ready to swap?" Sayori asked

I nodded and slid the paper over to her. She handed me hers.

Rainbows

In the distance, I see a rainbow

stretching across the sky.

It's vibrant colours shine in the cloud covered sky

Red, the colour of love

Orange, a never ending bonfire

Yellow, sunshine reaching through my curtains in the morning

Green, the softest grass in the park

Blue, swimming through the ocean on a nice day

Purple, the sky as the sun sets

I close my eyes

I still see the colours.

I look up at her, she's still reading my poem. She's got a small smile on her face, I feel one grow on my own. When she finally puts it down, she meets my gaze. I suddenly notice her eyes. A lovely bright blue that shines in the light. The way she slowly blinks,her eye lashes fluttering as she opened her eyes. It makes my heart jump.

"Your poem is amazing, Monika!"she exclaimed.

"Not as good as yours."

We both laugh.

"But seriously, this is good. How did you come up with this?" she asked.

"I don't know. It just came to me last night," it was the only answer I could give.

The door suddenly creaked open. A girl with purple hair poked her head inside the room. She gave a nervous giggle then walked in. Sayori jumped up to hug her.

"Yuri! I thought you had plans today!"

"I did," she said, awkwardly patting Sayori on the back.

The girl, whose name was apparently Yuri, looked at me and waved. I waved back, happy to see someone new.

"Hi, I'm Monika, the president of the club, I can see that you already know Sayori. I hope you feel welcome here."

Yuri backed away from Sayori's tight grip. She stood up straight.

"Hello Monika, I'm Yuri, it's nice to meet you," she said calmly.

"Sit down," Sayori pulled a chair out for her. They both sat down.

I handed her the pens and explained the task. She nodded and got on with writing a poem. Sayori still has my poem in her hands

"You can keep it."

Sayori folds the paper then stuffs it in her pocket. Yuri finishes her poem and first hands it to Sayori, scratching the table. Sayori's eyes widen. She passes the paper to me.

Ghost

It drifts slowly from the remains,

up into the air.

It cast no shadow

Only a glow that took my breath away

I had no words left

I knew I would miss this

Yet it felt right

It was holding me back so far

My goal now set out in front of me

I was ready to reach for it,

grasp it between my fingers.

The one apparition was gone,

a new personality present.

The ghost above me fades into the light

I feel myself disappear.

My mouth was hanging open. I quickly snapped it shut and grinned at Yuri

"This is so good Yuri. You're very talented."

Yuri blushes, then looks away, clearly embarrassed. Sayori nods her head in agreement.

"Well, we should all go home. Are you coming tomorrow, Yuri?" I ask, hoping that she'd say yes.

"I-I'd like to, if that's alright."

"That's awesome. See you guys tomorrow," I open the door for them and walk out of the room. I hear them both leave the club room. They both exchange goodbyes and part ways. I hear footsteps running to catch up with me.

"Do you want to walk home?" Sayori appears next to me.

"Sure."

We walk in silence, the whistling of the wind filling in the gaps. I listen to it for a second, enjoying it softly blow in my ears. Sayori opens her mouth, ready to say something, then instantly closes it again. A bird in a nearby sakura tree tweets a happy tune.

"So what are you doing after school tomorrow ?" Sayori asked.

"Nothing really, catching up on sports, finishing the extra homework i normally do, practising piano, just the usual things I do."

"You practise piano?"

"I just started so I'm not very good but yeah, it's alright," I murmured, blushing crimson.

Sayori stopped and turned to the gate of a house.

"This is my house. Maybe we should have a sleepover. All club members invited. If anyone new joins then we'll invite them as well," Sayori opened the gate and closed it behind her.

"Sounds good, let's ask Yuri tomorrow. Saturday sound good?" I ask. I didn't want to go to the party anyways.

"Sure."

She runs into the house.


	3. Sayori

I watch Monika walk away through the window. She has a really graceful stance, which makes her look elegant when she walks. Then there's me with the clumsy strides. She soon disappears around the corner. I pull her poem from my pocket. While I was reading, it felt as if my heart was being squeezed. It moved me so much, the power in the words warming and comforting. I stare at it longingly, wishing to feel that mushy feeling again. The tears are already streaming down my face, pooling on my hands as they fall off my chin. I wonder what her inspiration was.

"What's going on in your head?"I say aloud.

I place it down on the table and head up to my room. I wipe my wet face with a tissue,scrunching it up into a ball. I don't know why her poem made me cry like that. I normally cry at much bigger things, like when my pet hamster died when I was 11 or when my dad hurt himself badly while playing golf. Mum and dad now live a few miles away. They check on me from time to time but they never stay long. I guess that fuels my anxiety a bit. My parents don't even like visiting me. What a useless daughter I am.

"No wonder Ryan doesn't even talk to you anymore, Sayori."

I push away my sudden anger. Thoughts like these plague my mind everyday. It affects my mood a lot. I still always manage to maintain a positive attitude at school. No one notices my depression. I'm the sweet girl who is bubbly and fun to be around. That personality is covered in so much veneer that you can't see through it. I literally should look shiny and plastic.

"Stay like that and you'll be fine," I say, trying to reassure myself.

I lay down in my bed and yawn. I stayed up late last night trying to sort some things out, I don't think I finished them though. My eyelids droop, sleep coming to me naturally.

***********************

I was so close to the stars that I could just reach out and touch them. I breathed in different air, the weird smell entering my nose. I ignored it and watched the small lights in awe.

"Hello?" I called out. My voice echoed through the the dark tunnel. Silence replied.

I laughed, spinning around in my own little world. One where I was at ease with myself and my imagination.

"Can you hear me?" A voice rang through the quiet. It sounded familiar.

I twirled around to see Monika floating nearby. She had a troubled expression. I drifted toward her. She looked at me with sad eyes, tears pouring down her face.

" Monika, what's wrong?"

"Can you hear me?" She asked again.

"Yes, I can," I tapped her shoulder, unsure of what to do.

"Please give me a sign!"she shouted into the void.

I drew back in shock. Something was definitely wrong. She grabbed hold of my arms and pulled me closer to her.

" Help me!" She screamed into my face.

"How! Tell me what's wrong!" I pleaded, growing more and more concerned.

She shrieked loudly, her mouth stretching wide open. Her apple green eyes were now just a murky white, her hazel brown hair in disarray. The white ribbon that held her ponytail up was wrapped tightly around her neck. Her nose was bleeding. She gave one final scream before being pulled away from me. Her cry for help was cut short by a horrible choking sound.

**************************

I sat up straight, my heart pounding. A cold sweat ran down my forehead. There was blood on my face underneath my nose. I quickly snatched a tissue from my bedside table and held it to my nose, pinching it. I glanced at my clock. It was early in the morning. I groaned. My imagination was being mean to me again. That's the worst dream I've had so far. I rushed to the bathroom so I could wash my face. The other dreams were just me paralysed in a white void. I couldn't move or speak, only the whispers could be heard. I splashed water on my face and stared into the mirror. I was an absolute mess. My hair was scruffy and my face was a bright red. Tears formed in the corner of my eyes. Why was Monika in my dream? I wasn't scared of her at all. The melty feeling in my stomach came back. I dried my face with a towel and trudged back to my room. I slumped down on my bed, not exactly ready to welcome sleep. I shivered. The window was open. I stood up to shut it when I saw my phone randomly light up. I pick it up and click on the message. It was from a while ago

"Hi this is Monika, Yuri gave me your number."

The corners of my mouth tug upwards. What is it about this girl that makes me feel ditzy? Maybe it's her eyes, or that smile she has.

"I guess that you're asleep. Well good night :)"

I press the button and phone screen goes black. I bury myself under the covers of my bed and shut my eyes tight.

"Good night Monika,"I whisper into the night.


	4. Yuri

The day had been alright. I was surprised that Sayori was even interested in literature. And Monika as well. I remember her from last year. I helped her with something during school but I don't know what. She seemed to enjoy having me in the club so I guess I'm welcome. I can't wait to see what's going to happen today. Maybe I'll be able to write some more. I pick up my book. It's been quite a captivating read. I slip the leather bookmark from the pages and open it up.

'Lucy picked up the strange object that lay in the small hole. It was covered in a thick layer of dust. She brushed the dust away, coughing as some reached the back of her throat. There was an ominous looking eye on the front cover of the book she now held in her hands. She opened it, attempting not to rip the thin, yellowing pages. Symbols filled the paper, all scratched in by what seemed to be a feather quill. The ink stained the other side of the paper.

"What does this all mean?" She muttered under her breath.

She brought the candle closer to the page, hoping to see some kind of message through the random scrawls. There was none to be seen. The door creaked open gently. Lucy turned so her back was pressed against the wall. No one entered the room. She squinted, as something she thought to be a shadow suddenly darted across the room and out the window. The glass smashed, shards flying everywhere. One hit Lucy's cheek, scratching her skin.

"What on earth is going on?" Mother Anne stormed into the room.

Lucy was stiff from shock. She couldn't move, let alone speak. The mother's eyes moved down to the book.

"Where did you find that?"she snapped.

"The floorboard was loose. I thought something had managed to crawl under," Lucy explained.

"You're lying, aren't you?" Anne's voice dripped with poison.

Lucy shook her head frantically as the mother reached down and grabbed her by the ear.

"You know what happens to liars in this house," she pulled Lucy out of the room.

"Not the cellar!" Lucy wailed, trying to break free from the mothers tight grip.

"And I'll be taking that!" She snatched the book from her hands.

Mother Anne swung the cellar door open and forced Lucy inside. She slammed it shut. A click signalled her locking the door.

"No, please let me out!" Lucy cried out, her throat sore from screaming.

Her ear burned immensely, the pain ricocheting through her skull. Something pattered on the wooden door above. Rain. Lucy chest felt tight. Rain meant floods. A drop of water leaked through a gap in the door. There was no chance of her getting out of there alive.'

I close the book, slightly disappointed. Though the chapter was dramatic, it was also particularly weak. I set the book down and started to get ready for school.


	5. Monika

I walked down the corridor, my footsteps echoing through the halls. No one else comes down here unless they have a lesson. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who practises. It was my free period so before the club started I thought I should continue with my piano lessons. I took the key from the chain around my neck and unlocked the door. The teachers gave me the key so I wouldn't have to ask. I walked into the room, breathing in the musty air. I closed the door behind me, cushioning it against noise even though no one else was around. I sighed with relief. I enjoyed playing piano. It was complicated but once you get the hang of it, the music just flows through you. I'm thinking of writing a song but that might be going too far. I might not be skilled enough for that. I sit on the stool and place my hands on the keys, feeling the spaces between each one. They felt smooth and when I pressed down on one it gave off a high pitched whine. I felt a massive weight suddenly lift from my shoulders. The peaceful plinking of the keys always soothe me. It's like my own therapy. I attempt to play my own notes, the ones I was thinking of turning into a song. I get most of them, only a few mistakes here and there but I was happy with it. I glance at my watch. The bell had gone five minutes ago. I stood up, slung my bag over my shoulder and rushed to the club room.

"Monika! I was beginning to worry,"Sayori was at the door waiting for me, she wrapped her arms around me.

"Hi Sayori, sorry if I was late. I had study hall last and I was practicing piano."

"It's fine, wait, you play the piano?" She asked.

Sayori began to back away but I held onto her hand. Her face went red.

"Anyways, you may want to come in," she moved to the side, allowing me past her.

I opened the club room door. A small girl with pink hair, sat at a desk with her arms folded.

"It's about time," the girl stood up and stomped towards me.

I froze, startled by her sour attitude.

"I'm Natuski, you're the president of the club, aren't you?"

I nodded. This made her frown.

"Say something at least!" She exclaimed, placing her hands on her hips.

"Welcome to the c-club Natsuki. I'll make sure y-you feel at home h-here," my face turned red. Why the hell am I stuttering? Especially at a girl so small.

She made a sound of frustration, then spun back to the desk and sat down. Sayori giggled nervously and put her hand on my shoulder. I didn't push it away.

"So that was something," she whispered into my ear.

"Yeah, she's quite... intimidating," I whispered back, brushing my hair out of my face.

She laughed again and went over to Yuri, who was hunched over a book. She seemed to be absorbed by the pages. She didn't notice Sayori at first, not until she was an inch from her head.

"Yuri?"

"GAH! Don't do that!" Yuri jumped out her chair, hitting Sayori's nose.

"Ow, Oh god!" Sayori clutched her nose, blood dribbled onto her lips.

"Jeez Sayori, are you okay?" I went to examine her face.

I cupped her face in my hands so I could take a closer look. For a moment, I wanted to kiss her but something stopped me. Maybe fear. I didn't know for sure.

"Nose bleed, I'll get you some tissues."

I went to my bag and took out the small packet of tissues I kept. I took a few out and handed them to Sayori.

"Oh my god, I'm so sorry," Yuri put her face in her hands.

"It's fine, Yuri," Sayori held the tissues to her nose, mopping up the blood.

The other girl , Natsuki, was watching the scene, a glint in her eyes. She burst out laughing.

"That was brilliant!" she held onto her stomach.

One by one we all laughed with her, unsure of what to do.

"This club seems quite cool," Natsuki joined us at Yuri's desk.

I smiled at her, maybe she'd actually join.

"I think I might come back," she wiped a tear from her eye, still clutching her stomach.

My smile dimmed slightly when I saw her face. Natsuki was wincing, her eyes twitching. Was she in pain? Sayori slid next to me, she had noticed as well.

"Do you think she's alright?" She murmured.

"I don't know, I'll ask her when the meetings over."

Sayori nodded then turned to Yuri.

"What's your book about Yuri?"

"Oh, um, I-it's about a young g-girl who is living in a-an orphanage trying t-to find out a secret. It's q-quite a short read b-but I do like it," Yuri strummed her fingers on the table. She glanced at Natsuki, who folded her arms and looked away.

"What about you, Natsuki? What do you read?" I asked.

"Um, I mean you guys might not think it's literature but I do and it's something I find entertaining and..."

"So what is it?"

"Manga..." She whispered

"Well, that's nice, if you think it's literature then that's fine with us," Sayori smiled

Natsuki sighed, looking almost relieved.

"Well, of course it is, dummies,"she turned away, embarrassed.

I decided to intervene.

"It's nice to have you here, Natsuki," I said.

I pulled my notebook from my bag and opened it up, ready to start writing. I wasn't sure what the club activities would be yet but I had many ideas. I'll go through them with Sayori at a later date but for now we'll just do our own thing. I picked up my pen and started to write.


	6. Sayori

I cleaned the rest of the blood from my face and stared at my reflection in the mirror. Nothing seemed out of place but I could feel the sadness pulling my heart from my chest. I don't understand, why is it happening now? I enjoy my time at the club, with Monika. So why do I feel so sad? My head was starting to feel fuzzy again. I dried my face with a tissue, threw it away and headed back to the club room. Monika walked over to me and placed a piece of paper in my hands.

"Tell me what you think," she said.

I began to read.

Pixel

A small glitch can cause problems.

The programme fails

A syntax error

A python slipping around my neck

Protecting

Attacking

Killing

Change a few codes

It's all fixed.

I looked up at her and smiled. This one makes a little more sense than the last. I know that Python is a programming thing but it took an interesting turn.

"So?"

"It's interesting, I understand what it means but that's just the outside layer. It's seems more complex than it looks."

Monika smiled.

"It's a compliment."

"Okay, that's good, thanks," she said.

"No problem."

We stood there awkwardly, not sure what to do or say. She opened her mouth a few times but closed it instantly. My heart was beating faster than usual but I didn't know why. I wonder what she's thinking.


	7. Monika

Oh my god. I think I actually like her.


	8. Sayori

It could be anything.


	9. Monika

For fucks sake, Monika, say something!


	10. Sayori

Why do I feel so .... warm inside? I want it to stop.


	11. Monika

"Anyways, I'd better get everyone's attention," I said hastily.

I rushed to the front of the class room.

"Everyone!"

The others looked up at me.

"I think we can all go home for the day. I'll see you all tomorrow."

Everyone stood up and grabbed their bags. I managed to catch Natsuki before she left.

"Natsuki, can I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure," she stopped by the door.

"Are you alright? You looked as if you were in pain."

"I'm fine I just forgot my money so I didn't eat," she frowned at me.

"I have some food in my bag if you want it," I reached into my bag for the cookie I had

I held it out to her, she reluctantly took it.

"If you ever need food, come to me, I'll always have something spare."

"Okay," she walked out of the club room, unwrapping the cookie from its plastic casing.

I made sure she was gone before locking up the room and walking home.


	12. Natsuki

Why was she so nice to me? I was being so bitchy in the club so why did she give me her food? I mean I couldn't refuse it. That would've been weird. I didn't want to take it but I was so hungry and I'm probably not going to get food tonight. My stomach is still rumbling. He's locked me in my room again. There's no way I'm getting out. I can smell his food from here. I'll probably have to scavenge for leftovers tomorrow but I doubt that there'll be any. There's usually little left for me. I try to distract myself by writing a poem. It takes a while but I eventually get one down on paper.

Cupcakes

They're very sweet and warm.

They're filled with good intentions.

It's normally sunny when I make them.

You always know what goes inside.

Mixing, mixing, mixing,

in the little bowl.

Put them in the oven

and wait for them to grow.

They can let you down though

and make you feel alone.

They can be awful and bitter

and mean and bad.

It rains when I don't have any,

leaving me empty and sad.

I want them so badly,

so now I'll make some more.

My hands are shaking when I finish, making my last few words wobbly. I grab hold of my wrists to keep them still. Tears stung my eyes as my stomach once again complained about its hunger. I breathe in and out, remembering the club and the other girls. They all seemed so nice. Sayori was the bubbly one, kind and outgoing. Yuri was more shy and timid but passionate about her reading and writing. And Monika is the leader, helping the club grow and flourish. Out of all of them I kinda liked Yuri. Even though we are complete opposites, I want to be her friend. Maybe she could let me read her book. I'll definitely show her Parfait Girls, if she wants that. I can't wait to see them tomorrow.


	13. Yuri

My grip on the knife is firm. My fingers twitched as I ran the blade over my arm repeatedly. Blood seeped from the small cuts. The pain started to kick in, small sharp jolts that made my arm feel numb. I held my breath and continued, making sure that none of the blood had dropped onto the desk. I wrapped a paper towel around my arm, catching the mess on my skin. I took the knife to the bathroom, rinsed the blood off and neatly placed it under my bed with the others. I clutched onto my arm, squeezing the tissue into the cuts. I needed to at least stop the bleeding and clean my arm. While I waited, I picked up my pen and wrote a poem.

My ink pen

I'm prepared for the mess.

Tissues are at my side,

ready to be plucked from their cardboard house

to clean up anything that decides to drip.

My paper is in front of me,

Already stained from the ink of my pen.

I hold my pen in my fingers.

What should I draw today?

I had done circles yesterday

and lines last week.

The idea shines in my head like a lightbulb.

I run my pen along the paper

and draw patterns on my skin.

The ink leaks from my arm,

I take a tissue to mop it up.

A truly poetic feeling hums inside my hand.

It powers the pen,

turns the ink to liquid gold.

But then it all goes red.

I love it. I love this poem so much. I hope they all like it as well.


	14. Sayori

My nose still hurt from the events that happened earlier. Luckily, it wasn't broken. I think about Natsuki. She was certainly... something. A very assertive character, that's for sure. She seemed to enjoy our company though, which made me happy. Monika and Yuri were both quite flustered in her presence but that'll pass soon. It's because she's small but stubborn. I don't think they were expecting it. I hear a knock at the door, gentle but loud enough for me to hear. I get up to open it.

"Sayori, open the door!" I hear Ryan behind the door. When I open it, he stumbles in.

It was raining heavily outside, drops splattering onto my feet as they hit the doorstep. Ryan was soaked from head to toe, he was shivering from the icy cold rain. I closed the door and turned to him. I opened my mouth to say something but he was speaking first.

"I locked myself out, can I borrow the spare key? I'll give it back."

"Okay," I replied, disappointed.

I walked into the kitchen and opened a draw. I fumbled through wires and battery packets (left by my father) until I saw a small house key. I picked it up. Ryan snatched it out of my hand and ran back into the cold. He returned a few minutes later.

"Thanks," he said, dropping it into my hand.

"No problem," I watched him as he entered his house before retreating back into my own.

I sighed and flopped onto the sofa. Not even my best friend wanted to have a proper conversation with me. My body trembled as I held back stinging tears, threatening to pour down my face. I angrily wiped my eyes and curled up into a ball. My phone suddenly lit up on the coffee table. I grabbed it. A message from Monika popped up on the screen. I sat up to read it.

"Today was fun, wasn't it?"

I replied.

"Yeah, it was."

"How's your nose?"

"It still hurts but it's not so bad. Definitely not broken, which is good."

She went quiet for a minute before responding.

"Are we still gonna have the sleepover?"

I cringe, realising how stupid it was suggesting that. Sleepovers are for little kids, we're going to college soon.

"If you want to. I asked Yuri about it, she actually liked the idea."

"Of course, and Yuri? Out of all of us I thought she'd be the least excited."

"Same here but Yuri does like to surprise people every now and then. She could be a detective in disguise for all we know."

"True."

It had been a while since I had spoken to someone properly. It made me feel fluttery inside. I don't know why though.

"I'll ask Natsuki about it tomorrow," I send the message.

I wait a minute, ready to turn off my phone. A small ping indicates a new message.

"Can't wait to read your poem tomorrow. ❤️"

My heart starts beating faster as I reply. 

"Same here."

I turn my phone off and place it back on the table. 

********************************

When I enter the club room, Natsuki and Monika are already there. Monika smiles when she sees me, her face flushed a slight pink. Natsuki glances up at me, frowns, then looks back down at her hands. I approach her.

"Hey Natsuki," I start.

She looks up.

"So on Saturday we were planning a club sleepover, just so we could learn more about each other. Do you want to come as well?"

She pauses for a second.

"Maybe, it depends on what my dad says," she shivers slightly.

"Okay, let me know if anything happens."

"I will," Natsuki nods.

I back away slowly just as the door opens and Yuri rushes in. She sits down, out of breath.

"Sorry, I was in the bathroom and lost track of time," she says between breaths. 

"It's fine Yuri. Do you need a minute?" I ask.

"Yes please," Yuri rests her head on the desk.

I walk over to Monika and stand next to her.

"Hi," I say.

"Hey," she replies.

We stand there in silence. Something seemed different today. Her eyes were red, as if she had been crying and she was more quiet than usual. 

"Are you okay?" I ask, my voice filled with concern.

"I'm fine, I have a cold."

"Okay," I highly doubt it.

"I have the poem I promised yesterday," she reached out for her bag and pulled a black notebook out. She flipped through the pages then handed it to me.

Just

My pen flows across the paper,

the ink drying instantly.

Looking at it now 

I wish I could change it.

I wish it was just me.

Load me,

delete her,

save us.

A happy song perhaps

or a sad melody.

Both I can't bear.

Why does it hurt?

A pain in my chest,

a dagger through my heart.

Death an option.

Yet not my only one.

A heavenly sight,

right before my eyes.

Something out of my reach 

but so close.

Just me,

Just me.

Why not?

My eyes move from the paper to Monika. The corners of my lips pointed up, a warm smile on my face.

"It's beautiful," I tell her.

"Thank you," she replies, smiling too.

I give her my poem. She looks up, her smile even bigger. 

"I love it."


	15. Monika

What the hell am I even thinking? I don't have a... crush on Sayori, do I? And even if I did, she's probably straight. She only wants to be my friend. Hopefully this feeling will go away soon. Maybe before the sleepover. It would be awkward. Very awkward indeed.


	16. Natsuki

Sayori invited me to a sleepover tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll be able to sneak out the house when dad passes out on the sofa. It'll give me something to do other than being stuck in my room. I tried talking to Yuri today but she was concentrating on her book so much that she never heard me. Maybe tomorrow, is she's coming. I think it's at Sayori's house, I've walked past it before.


	17. Monika

I sat in my room, staring at all the certificates that had been taped to the walls. I can't believe that they're even mine. I used to be so determined to get things right but now I'm just done with being perfect. People have high expectations of me but I can't do anything to make them happy. I used to be amazing at swimming but I don't even like to go near a pool anymore. Not since another girl tried pushing my head under the water. She got in major trouble for that and I just stopped. I'd had enough of it. Mum and dad saw it as ambition, that I wanted to rise up to something more. I was just tired of the girls calling me names and trying to basically drown me. Then I went to gymnastics, then dance, then kick boxing, then martial arts and back to dance again. I had won so many competitions but I hated these achievements. They don't make me human, just a clay sculpture of someone perfect. It's just draining. I don't want to do it anymore. I think the only thing keeping me here is Sayori. Is that even enough?


	18. Sayori

I don't understand why I feel so nervous. It's just a sleepover, nothing bad or anything. It feels like somethings gonna go wrong. No, I'm being ridiculous. Everything will be fine. I sighed, I didn't want to get out of bed. I checked the time, it was almost twelve. I groaned and sat up slowly, trying to show the universe how tired I was. Well not tired, but angry. Angry at the sun for waking me up. I dragged myself out of bed and went into the bathroom to shower. The minute the warm water touched my aching body, I felt a sudden relief. It was just me and I didn't waste my energy on anything other than standing up. I just let the water cleanse me and my mind. I dried myself and changed into some casual clothes, nothing much but at least looking like I put in some effort to look nice for my friends.

"Friend, huh? That's cute," the voice in my head whispered. I pushed the sudden thought away. I wasn't going to let it bother me today.

There was a loud knock on the door, making me jump. One of them is already here? It only just turned half past. I made my way over to the door and opened it. Ryan stood on my front step, tapping his foot on the floor impatiently. 

"Hi Ryan," I said.

"Hey Sayori," Ryan smiled at me.

"Here for the keys," I laughed, he didn't.

"No, I actually came to talk to you. I, uh, need your advice," he scratched the back of his head.

"Okay then, come in," I moved away from the door to let him in.

He walked into my living room then suddenly stopped. I had forgotten about the mess.

"Sorry I was gonna tidy up but then... I didn't," I usually was quite tidy but then I would become messy again when I'd have my internal arguments. I'd throw a few things about, leave them broken on the floor then eat food until the emptiness was gone. Right now a small porcelain cat given to me by my mum lay in pieces on the wooden floor. 

"What happened?" He turned to me in utter shock.

"My clumsiness is what happened," I stared at the floor, feeling bad for lying to him.

"Seriously, Sayori? You need to me more careful," he said, picking up the broken pieces.

"I know, but my shoulder brushed past it and it fell," I said, frowning.

He chucked the pieces in the bin then sat down on my dusty sofa. I sat next to him.

"So anyways, I've met a girl," he started. I stopped him.

"You what?" I said in surprise.

"Shut up! I had to eventually! So I met her at school, she was sitting on a bench by the fountain reading a book and I couldn't help but notice it being a manga. She caught me staring and got real sour with me."

I felt like I recognised this girls attitude.

"I apologised to her, and we got talking and I felt something. I don't know how to describe it. It was a sort of tug, as if our hearts were connected. I don't know if she felt it as well but I want her too. I thought you would know what to do," he said, his face flushing a red.

I smiled.

"Well, what I would suggest is that you don't go too far. Remember Anna from two years ago? That didn't end well because you tried to hard. She was a bit of a bitch to you anyways. So with this girl, talk to her but don't talk to her too much. And don't flirt too much. Women don't appreciate men who flirt because to them they look insane."

He nodded, still looking slightly embarrassed. There was a girl he had a huge thing for called Anna. I didn't blame him at the time because she was pretty and she was nice to him but after a while she started treating him like shit, ignoring him when he was talking to her and rejecting his little invitation to his birthday party. And she made her rejection a big deal by basically shouting out 'no!' to the entire school. They all laughed at him for a while but left him alone when Anna went onto a different guy who just got treated the same. Him and Ryan both became friends after that. 

"So I should just treat her normally until she seems more interested in me?"

"Yeah, pretty much," I answered.

"Okay thanks," he got up and started collecting the packets of crisps, chocolate and biscuits.

"What're you doing?" I asked.

"Cleaning up for you," he threw the rubbish into the bin and turned his attention to the dirty plates cluttering up my kitchen counter.

"Jeez, how do even survive here?" he asked picking up a half empty glass of orange juice. A mix of disgust and almost wonder filled his face.

'I don't,' I thought.

"Eh, I manage," I said instead.

He filled up the sink with water, squirted the dish soap inside and dumped the plate in, scrubbing the dirt off until it was clean.

"You gonna help or not?" He asked.

I sighed and stood up. I grabbed a tea towel from the draw and started to dry the growing pile of plates and cutlery gathering in the rack.

"I don't need you helping me all the time," I said.

"Come on, you wouldn't survive a second without me."

******************************************************************************

After I had waved him off to his house, I slumped on the sofa absolutely exhausted. It had just turned quarter past two and no one from the club had showed up yet. I hugged my legs close to my chest, wondering if they were ever going to come. I wouldn't be surprised if they decided to stay at home and not tell me. My phone buzzed. I picked it up and clicked on the notification.

"Hey, I'm heading out now, will probably be there in ten minutes ❤️," Monika had messaged. My heart pounded when I saw the heart emoji she had added at the end. I don't know why it had but it did and I wasn't arguing.

'Can't wait, though I'm absolutely exhausted,' I replied.

I was telling the truth. I was so excited.


	19. Yuri

I can see her walking in front of me. Her pink hair swung back and forth above her shoulders. She was wearing a white shirt and a pink... tutu? It looked like one you'd buy a little kid for Halloween, not a sixteen year old girl. I also noticed her light pink sneakers that flashed every time she took a step. God, I haven't seen those kind of shoes in years. My uncle bought me a pair for my eighth birthday. I refused to wear them. I thought about walking behind her but knew that would be rude. I caught up with her.

"Natsuki!"

She turned and smiled at me. I could see something underneath her eye, the skin looked slightly grey. I stared at it for a little too long which made her blush.

"You okay?" She asked.

"Oh, yeah I'm fine," my face flushed as we continued walking to Sayori's house.

We walked in silence. I quickly tried to find something to say but was stopped when Natsuki spoke first.

"I saw you reading a book in the club the other day. Did you bring it with you?" she asked, not looking up at me.

"Um, yeah, I did. Why?"

"I just wanted to know what it's about. It looked... interesting," there was a small smile on her face.

"W-well, it is very, uh, interesting. The book is about a young girl who, while trying to find her own meaning, discovers a dark secret about her own home and has to choose between two options. Her families deaths or her own."

It had been amazing so far. The story was so intense, especially when it mixed modern technology with old and dark magic. The main character was obviously the brave and stupid hero of the story, even though her morals are pretty bad. She didn't have the best relationship with her parents. I understood the meaning of the story before I finished the first chapter. 

"Do you think I... could read it?" She suddenly asked.

I stared at her in almost shock. I was surprised that she was even interested in the first place.

"Sure, we could read it together," I paused, realising how awkward that sounded.

"U-um, only if y-you... want to," I stammered. Why the fuck was I stuttering? This is so embarrassing.

"Uh okay. If that's alright."

"Of course it is."

We arrived at Sayori's house. It looked beautiful, flowers decorated the fence and long vines ran down the walls from the windows to the door. We knocked on her door and waited for a response.

"You excited?" Natsuki said, pulling some of her pink hair out of her face.

"Um yeah, I've never been to a sleepover before so this is quite new to me," I don't have friends houses to go to. I've never been to Sayori's before.

"Same here, my dad hates it when I leave the house," she said.

I turned to her in surprise. 

"You haven't? I thought you would be the one who'd be going to lots of parties," I said.

"Y-yeah well, my friends do invite me but I'm never allowed. And I don't like hanging around with those people anymore so..." she pauses, trying to find the right words to say.

"Does your dad know you're here?" I asked.

"No, I don't know what he'll do if he finds out. Right now, he's probably passed out on our sofa, he usually is," her tone gets quieter and more spiteful as she speaks.

"That's a bit dark Natsuki, are you okay?"

Just as she's about to say something the door swings open and Sayori appears, dressed in a pink jumper and blue shorts. She smiles at us.

"Come on in, Monika is already here!"


	20. Natsuki

Jeez, Sayori's house is a mess. Objects lay broken on the floor, plates cluttered the table and there were mounds of clothes had been piled up. I couldn't tell if the clothes were clean or dirty.

"Sorry for the mess, I tried to clean up this morning but I then got distracted and..." she giggled nervously,"here I'll make some room."

She picked up the clothes and ran out of the room. I looked around then back at Monika and Yuri who were having a quiet discussion, probably about the state of the room. I put my hands on my hips.

"You gonna help or not?" I said.

They both instantly went quiet and looked at me. I pointed to the broken objects on the floor. 

"We have to help, Sayori obviously can't do it by herself," I picked up what looked like a picture frame. There wasn't a picture inside. The glass was cracked.

"Why are these all broken?" Yuri said, carefully gathering pieces of a plate.

"I'm clutzy, that's why," Sayori rushed into the room. She looked upset.

"That explains a lot," I said.

"Hey, that was mean!" she frowned at me.

Monika stepped forward and put her hand on Sayori's shoulder 

"We were just curious, Sayori. I used to drop things as well when I was really little. I got in so much trouble for it," she laughed quietly. 

"Okay Monika," Sayori brushed some coral hair out of her face, which had gone slightly red.

Monika blushed as well and slowly let go of Sayori. Yuri looked absolutely bewildered. We both glanced at each other. She smiled at me and it felt weird. Yuri had such a pretty smile. I'm surprised she's been able to tolerate me during the club. I can be an annoying bitch sometimes, I've been told so by my father a lot. I fucking hate him so much.

"A-anyways, why don't w-we get settled then?" Sayori stammered, her face had gone an even deeper red. She was staring directly at Monika who was also staring back. I swear if me and Yuri weren't here, they'd be kissing right now.

"Okay!" I sat down on the sofa, a huge cloud of dust burst out. I coughed.

Yuri sat next to me. Once again she smiled but this time I felt myself smile back, something I hadn't done in a long time. Sayori sat on the floor while Monika took a small armchair that looked out of place with the decorations. 

"So what should we do?" Yuri asked.

"I was gonna suggest movies and pizza?" Sayori said.

"That sounds good. What do you think Natsuki?" Monika turned to me.

"Pizza is alright, not so sure about the movies."

It had been ages since I last had pizza. I could already feel my stomach grumbling just at the mention of food. I'm not a massive movie person. They're so boring and I eventually fall asleep halfway through. 

"Any suggestions then?"

"Uh d-don't ask me! It's n-not my sleepover!" I said.

Monika sighed. 

"Films it is then," Sayori got up.

She gave a few movies we could watch. We all agreed on one and Sayori put the disc into the DVD player. 

"It's been so long since I've seen a movie," I whispered to Yuri," I guess I kinda lost interest."

"Same here, I prefer books way more," she whispered back.

"I've always liked manga but I want to read more wordy books. That's why I asked you."

"Speaking of, this is kinda boring. Do you want to go read else where?" she asked.

"Sure," we both stood up.

Sayori and Monika didn't say anything as we walked out of the room together. We both sat on the stairs together and Yuri pulled a book out of her bag. The front cover had a picture of a young girl on the front. It looked interesting. She flicked it open to the front page and scooted closer to me. I started to read.

'It was cold today, very cold, and the wind was howling into the night sky like a wolf to the moon. It didn't bother me though as I was wrapped up in a blanket next to the fire in my parents house. It was quiet, my parents were out and my sister was asleep upstairs, probably lost in a dream full of sugar, unicorns and rainbows. I stared at the amber flames, mesmerised by their weird swirling patterns. I took in the heat and brightness of it. Things would never be the same now. It would all change after this. It was when I found the papers this morning in my mothers office. I don't even know if I could call her my mother anymore. I was wandering around when I saw the papers. Adoption papers. With my name on them. I was shocked to say the least but I was confused. Why did they adopt me then have Nellie? Who were my biological parents? And who am I? I couldn't answer these but I wanted to. I needed to find out. I was gonna start with asking the people who adopted me. I'm not sure how they're gonna react but I don't care right now. They couldn't hide it from me for much longer, I was bound to find out eventually. I was impressed they had managed for so long, 17 years to be exact. I watched the flames once again, wishing they would engulf me and the house. They flickered.'

I noticed that Yuri was staring at me. She smiled when she noticed me looking.

"Enjoying the story?" She asked.

"It's good. I like that it's straight to the point," I answered.

"I'm glad."

I didn't look away from her eyes, which were a deep purple. It had gone quiet, Sayori and Monika must've paused the movie. I put my hand over Yuri's and then I kissed her.


	21. Monika

Natsuki and Yuri both just left the room, I take this chance to talk to Sayori. 

"So what do you think they're doing then?" I asked.

"Probably gonna kiss, have you seen the way Natsuki stares at her? It's so obvious," Sayori whispered to me so they wouldn't hear.

"You really think so?"

"Yeah! I've never been more sure of something in my life," she said.

We didn't speak for a moment. I thought about the state of the house when I first walked in, messy, unorganised. How did she live like this? More importantly, for how long?

"Are you alright Sayori?" 

She turned to me, something I didn't recognise filling her face.

"Of course I am! Why wouldn't I be?" She said, her voice getting higher the more defensive she got.

"Things were broken, piles of clothes were everywhere and all the plates were dirty. I'm worried about you."

"Well, you don't need to be. I'm fine as long as everyone else is happy," she looked away.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"I just want you all to be happy, if you're not them I'm not and it's horrible," she covered her face, her voice wobbling.

"Sayori..." I didn't know what to say"... We're all so happy especially with you and if you're not happy then we aren't."

Tears were streaming down her face.

"Do you want to talk about it? Seeing as they've left the room, we can talk about anything," I offered.

Sayori quietly nodded her head. I reached for the remote and paused the film. I was glad, it was kinda boring. I'd rather talk to her.

"So tell me everything."

"Well, I..." she looked down and started to knot her fingers in the blanket on top of our laps,"... it started a while ago. The rain clouds over my head got bigger and bigger when I was alone at school. My best friend Ryan had stopped waiting for me to wake up because I always oversleep. He doesn't know why though."

"Why do you oversleep?" I ask. 

"I don't actually I just... I lie in my bed wondering why I have to. What's the point in me getting up if the clouds won't go away?" she whispered.

"Sayori, what's happening?"

"I... I've had really bad depression my whole life, self diagnosed because I don't want to go to the doctors. It affects my mood and I have these internal arguments which ends up with me throwing my stuff around and I..." She said all that in one breath. I decided to stop her before she collapsed.

"Calm down, okay?" Her breathing slowed. I wrapped my arms around her," it's alright. I understand."

"No you don't. You're just saying that to make me feel better," she murmured.

"Why would I do that? As a person who has to be perfect and confident all the time, I think I know a lot," I said.

"You have to be perfect all the time? Monika, what..."

"I know, all the other children hated me when I was younger, a girl tried to drown me, I was heavily teased for my so-called perfection and I even tried killing myself at one point but it didn't work," fuck, I shouldn't have said that. This conversation was about her not me.

"Monika, thank you. Are you happy with me?" She asked.

"Of course I am. Natsuki and Yuri are as well," it was like talking to a child. Not that that was a bad thing.

Her face flushed red, her blue eyes seemed to sparkle a little. I'm gonna kiss her. It might ruin a lot but I don't even care right now. I just need to. But before I can do anything there was a loud scream coming from outside the room.

"WHAT THE HELL!" came a muffled shout.

"Fuck," I muttered to myself.

"Should we go check on them?" Sayori asked.

"I think we should," I said.

We stood up to investigate whatever was happening outside. We crept over to the door and opened it. My eyes widened at the scene. What the fuck...


	22. Yuri

Fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK! Why the hell did she do that? I can't fucking believe it. She kissed me which was actually nice then she put her hand up my fucking sleeve and felt the... cuts. Then she screamed. Now Monika and Sayori are here staring at my arm like it's a freak show.

"Yuri..." Sayori said.

I looked up at her, unable to answer her. Natsuki had recoiled in absolute disgust when she saw it but now she had scooted closer to have a better look. I don't know why she fucking kissed me. I'm a sick freak who has no friends. Who'd kiss me? 

"What have you done to yourself Yuri?" Monika asked, putting her hands over her mouth as if to hold back a shout.

"It's nothing to worry about. I've got it all under control," I said. I stared blankly at the wall in front of me.

"Your arm says otherwise," one of them said. I couldn't tell who anymore.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm not crazy... am I?" I turned back to them. Monika still had her hands to her face, Sayori had tears in her eyes and Natsuki... I didn't want to look at Natsuki. I just couldn't. I stood up and pulled my sleeve back up my arm, covering the horrible cuts that shined red.

"You're not-" Natsuki started to say but I cut her off.

"I should leave, I've already ruined the whole thing."

"Yuri, please don't leave. You didn't ruin anything," Sayori whimpered.

"Please... don't Sayori," I went to collect my stuff. 

I was suddenly pulled back. Natsuki had grabbed hold of my wrist and tugged on my arm.

"Don't do this Yuri, I'm sorry for doing that. I shouldn't have," she kept a firm grip on my arm and to be honest I didn't want her to let go. She wrapped her arms around me.

"It's not your fault though, it's mine," I returned the hug out of politeness.

I could feel two other pairs of arms wrap around us.

"Group hug," Sayori whispered in my ear.

I don't know how long we stayed like that for. A couple of minutes, a few hours. I couldn't tell but I didn't want it to end. All these girls were my true friends. I'm so happy I met them all. Monika was the first to break the hug, though she did it rather reluctantly. She was followed by Sayori then Natsuki, who smiled at me when she let go. Wow, for a girl who is so sour she really can be nice. My heart pounds whenever I'm around her.

"So are you staying?" Monika asked in a slightly small voice.

I pause for a moment. Do I really want to stay? They're probably gonna make me talk about it. Tell my that I shouldn't do that to myself, that I'm not just hurting myself. But I remember the look of utter horror on Natsuki's face as she gently rolled down my sleeve. I could've stopped her but I didn't. I let her see. Maybe I can finally stop this. I've wanted to for ages now but I always find myself doing it again and again. I want them to help me.

"I can't really leave after that, can I?

I need their help.

"After all, I wouldn't want to leave my friends like this."

They will help me!


	23. Sayori

Monika told me that she cared, she told me that I make all of them happy. I'm so glad about that. Maybe life is worth living if I live it with Monika. That's what I want to do. I feel so connected with her, nothing can tear me away from those apple green eyes, that sweet little smile she has, her hazel brown hair. I want to stay with her but I'm not sure why. I've liked Ryan for so long now but he's only ever thought of me as a childhood friend. Now Monika has come crashing into my life and I'm just confused. Who the hell am I? Am I even happy? Am I even feeling at all? The rain clouds are still there, pouring their drops of sadness on me. Why aren't they gone yet?

"Sayori?"

I looked up at Yuri, whose arm I was now cleaning and wrapping in bandages, and smiled.

"Yes, Yuri?" I asked.

"You don't think I'm a sick freak, do you?" She looked around nervously, avoiding my eyes.

"Of course I don't, your my friend and I think your wonderful," I gave her a gentle hug.

Yuri hesitated before hugging me back. It was horrible to think that she was so capable of hurting herself but her arm really does say a lot. We all promised that we would help her get better and make sure that she stopped doing this to herself.

"Yuri, please, if you ever feel like cutting yourself again come and tell one of us. We'll help you calm down and make sure you're feeling okay. It's heartbreaking to see this," I gestured to her arm, she looked away in guilt.

"I know," she mumbled.

"Pinky promise, you'll tell us if you feel like that," I held my little finger out to her.

"Pinky promise," she linked her finger around mine.

"Then it's settled," I said, taping down the bandage and putting the equipment away.

We both walked back to the other two who were whispering to each other about something. They instantly stopped talking when they saw us. I wonder what they were talking about.

"So should we continue the film?" Monika asked, already reaching for the remote.

"No, that's boring we should do something fun instead," Natsuki said.

"What would you suggest?" Monika stared at her with a questioning expression.

"I know just the thing!" Natsuki pulled out her phone and tapped on one of her apps. She showed the screen to us.

"Charades?" I asked.

"Well, yeah, it's fun. I used to play it with my mum before... nevermind about that! I just played it a lot and I thought it was fun," Natsuki looked away, embarrassed.

"Okay then, let's do it," I jumped in before the situation could get anymore awkward.

Natsuki was right, the game was surprisingly fun. We had a lot of laughs while playing it especially when Yuri had to pretend to be a goldfish. Afterwards, we ordered some pizza and watched more of the film while we ate. We then just chatted. It was nice to hang out with people for once. Ryan barely even talks to me nowadays. I remember when we used to play games all the time, then both of our parents left us on our own and we grew distant. That was when I first realised that I had a crush on him but I think that's slowly fading now. It happened when I first joined the literature club and met Monika. I'm kinda glad I did now.


	24. Monika

Sayori and Yuri are both still in the bathroom, cleaning up Yuri's wounds. I asked Sayori if she could convince her to talk to a therapist or maybe the school counsellor so she could get help. I hope Yuri does seek out help, it was awful to see her hurt. I wouldn't want any of my club members to go through that kind of thing. I glance over at Natsuki, she was fiddling around with a bit of thread that was poking out of her shirt. Since Yuri and Sayori both left, she'd been rather quiet which I found strange. I don't know how she saw the cuts and I don't really want to pry. She seemed... uncomfortable.

"You okay?" I asked.

She nodded then turned to face me.

"I heard you pause the tv in here, why?" she said, crossing her arms.

"We were talking about something. What were you and Yuri doing out there?"

"That's none of your business. Do you have a crush on Sayori?"

"That's none of your business," I could feel my face flushing as I looked away in embarrassment.

"Didn't deny it! I saw the way you stared at her earlier, you're obsessed!" She started giggling hysterically.

"Shut up! I'm not obsessed and keep your god damn voice down. I don't want her hearing," I hissed.

"Calm down, jeez, so I'm guessing she doesn't know. Why don't you tell her?" Natsuki stopped laughing and leaned forward slightly as she lowered her voice.

"I can't, she's straight, I know she is. It would ruin what we have right now and... I just can't," I hid my blushing face in my hands.

"Nah, she likes you. If me and Yuri weren't here, she'd be crawling on top of you right now," she whispered to me.

"Oh my god, not helping!" I said, stifling my nervous laughter.

"Just tell her. If she's says no, tell her that you still want to be friends. Easy," Natsuki said.

'It's not, it's really not,' I thought but I still smiled at her advice.

"Okay but if it goes wrong I'm blaming you," I pointed at her accusingly.

"Fine but do it! It's the only way you're gonna find out," she whispered.

Maybe I should tell Sayori. After all, I'll never find out if she does like me back if I don't do anything about this. It's weird to think that I only met Sayori a few days ago, I feel like I've known her for years. So I'll tell her later. God, I hope you're right about this Natsuki.


	25. Yuri

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to @Lesthanyou on wattpad (where I originally wrote this story). Go check them out if you have an account and show them a bit of love. They really deserve it.

The game of charades was fun, I actually laughed for once. I don't remember the last time I laughed properly. I've never had a reason to. I tried to distract myself from the itchy feeling that tickled my arm. That usually meant I wanted to cut. I felt like absolute shit, I kinda regret kissing Natsuki. It's not that I didn't enjoy it, I just... I think it was a one time thing. It probably won't happen again and that disappoints me a little. She's a good kisser, I have to give her that. She knows what she's doing, I wonder how many people she's kissed before me. There's probably been a lot before me, I'm nothing special. I'll never be anything special, I'm just a freak. Everyone knows.

"Yuri, are you okay?" Sayori whispered to me.

"Yeah I'm fine," I answered, trying to concentrate on the film on the screen and the pizza on my plate. She did the same.

I hated this, it was all a lie. They all hate me, don't they? They hate me because I cut, they hate me because I'm a freak. They don't need to say because I already know. I can feel my heart pounding but I don't do anything to stop it. I try to stay calm, I can't give anything away. I'll just let it beat, let it beat until it bleeds. All I can do is bleed. It's the only thing I can do well.


	26. Sayori

I was in a dark room, I couldn't see a thing. I felt weird, like I was drowning even though I knew that there was no water around me. I wanted to cry, scream, shout but I couldn't. I couldn't even whisper. No matter how hard I tried, no sound rose from my throat. I looked around frantically, hoping to see some form of light or life but there was only darkness. Nothing spoke, nothing moved, nothing cried. I curled up into a small ball and closed my eyes, wanting it all to go away. Then I heard something, a loud clicking noise. I looked up to see a light had turned on, illuminating the cold surface that I sat on. I scrambled to get under the beams of yellow, glad to get out of the silent darkness. I felt just a little bit safer here but that feeling didn't last for long. The light went out but appeared across the room. I went to stand up but my head hit something, the ceiling? How had I not noticed that? I simply shrugged it off and crawled towards the light. It stayed on for a few seconds then went out again. I looked around to see where it was, it lit up again. I wanted to feel that safe feeling again so I followed it. It sent me round and round and round but just as I was about to give up and accept my fate of darkness, I saw a much bigger light. I hurried towards it, ready to soak up the glowing beams of safety. It led me into a bigger room, a room where I could stand up straight. I didn't know how high up the ceiling was here. I sighed with relief when I saw how big the light was, the only places where it didn't shine was in the corners of the room. I felt a little confused though. Already bathing it the brightness was a chair so big that a giant could sit on it and a large rope tied into a noose. I rushed over to the chair and started climbing up, maybe this was my way out. The noose seemed to have lowered itself as I had been climbing as it was now resting patiently on the seat. I walked warily towards it and sat down on it. The rope felt surprisingly comfy, I was expecting it to feel coarse and uncomfortable underneath my legs. Instead, it felt like I was sitting on my own bed, ready to fall asleep. The noose suddenly started to ascend into the light above. Slowly but surely, it rose, making my legs dangle in the air. The floor below was getting smaller and smaller the higher I got. Even the large chair was disappearing into the darkness. I smiled, this was it, I was almost free. This noose is helping me escape to a better place. I lay back into the curve of the rope and closed my eyes. Maybe I could finally get some rest.

***************************************************************************

My eyes opened to see darkness around me. I sat up, about to panic but stopped myself when I saw where I was. I was at home with my friends. We were having a fun time but then we all got tired so we went to sleep. The memories of the sleepover came flooding back and I let out a slow breath, I didn't even realise I had been holding one in. Natsuki had fallen asleep on the floor while Yuri was curled up on my dads old armchair which he let me keep. Monika was laying on one side of the sofa while I was on the other. She stirred a little before opening her eyes and looking at me sleepily.

"You okay?" She mumbled, rubbing her eyes and sitting up.

"I'm fine, just need to go to the bathroom," I quickly stood up and hurried into the bathroom, hoping that she would go back to sleep. I didn't want her to worry about me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was based off of a dream I had last night. In this dream, I took some pills that would kill me slowly. I knew they would kill me but I still took the because I wanted to so I basically committed suicide in my dreams. I spent my last day with my family but I didn't enjoy it because we didn't know when I was gonna suddenly drop dead or something. I don't remember dying because I suddenly woke up. It didn't really bother me at first but then I started thinking about it and then I started crying more and then I realised that I needed to publish a new chapter so I wrote one. I think it worked really well. Still don't know what my dream means, don't know why I wanted to kill myself in my dreams but maybe one day I'll figure it out.


	27. Monika

It was late, very late. We had all gone to sleep a while ago. Natsuki had fallen asleep during the rest of the film, followed by Sayori, then Yuri. I turned off all the lights before I made my journey into the land of slumber. That was until I felt something shift by my feet, waking me up. I looked up to see Sayori getting up from the sofa. She paused when she saw me watching her.

"You okay?" I asked sleepily.

"I'm fine, just need to go to the bathroom," her voice sounded a little choked up, almost as if she were about to start crying. Before I could what was wrong, she rushed out of the room. I heard a door slam upstairs. The noise woke Natsuki.

"What the hell?" she whispered loudly.

"It was Sayori, she's upset but I don't know why," I said, staying quiet so I wouldn't wake Yuri up as well.

"Go ask her then! This might be your only chance to tell her how you feel," she hissed at me.

"But-" she cut me off

"No but's! Just go do it!" 

I sighed and stood up to go comfort Sayori. I tip-toed to the bathroom door and listened carefully. I could hear sniffing coming from inside the room.

"Sayori, can I come in?" I asked, knocking on the door.

There was silence for a moment before I heard her stand up and a loud click, signalling that she had unlocked the door. She opened the door slowly, revealing her tear-stained face and red puffy eyes. It broke my heart at the sight.

"What's wrong?" I finally asked.

She hesitated before breaking down into tears. I felt a little overwhelmed, I'd never had to comfort someone before. I may be popular but I was never the person people would express their emotions to. My old friends never talked about anything other than drama. I fucking hated it sometimes.

"It was only a nightmare but it felt so... real. Like I was actually there," she sobbed.

I didn't know what to say so I wrapped my arms around her instead. She leaned into me a little and for a second I forgot to breathe.

"It's alright, you're fine," I murmured those comforting words to her even though I wasn't sure what they would do. They never worked for me.

"Thank you, Monika," she whispered, looking up at me.

This was my chance, my chance to say that one little sentence that had been bugging me all week.

"Sayori, I..."

I looked into her big blue eyes, her beautiful blue eyes. She had a small smile on her face. I could just kiss her now. As I looked into her eyes something weird came over me. I couldn't do it, just saying it made me feel sick.

"... I'm so glad we're friends."

"Yeah, me too," she said but she looked a little disappointed.

"Anyways, we should go back down and try and get some sleep," I faked a yawn, trying to get out of the awkwardness of the situation.

"That's a good idea," Sayori moved past me and went downstairs. I followed her.

We both settled on the sofa, underneath the large blanket we were sharing.

"Goodnight, Monika," she whispered.

"Goodnight," I sighed, tears in my eyes. Now I was the one crying.

I masked my sniffs but covering my face with the blanket. What was I thinking? I can't tell her, it'll ruin our friendship. Natsuki isn't going to be very happy.


	28. Natsuki

"What the fuck!" I screamed when I looked in the mirror.

All of them were at the door laughing at the moustache and unibrow that had been harshly scribbled onto my face. I rubbed at each spot, which only smeared it more. Urgh, why wasn't it coming off?

"What was going through your small brains when you picked up the god damn pen?"

"Hey, it was Yuri's idea!" Sayori said, pointing an accusing finger at her.

"Don't blame me! You were the one who did it!" Yuri said back, still giggling.

"Fuck you Yu-" I stopped myself, an idea growing in my head. I held my hand out for the pen," give me the pen."

Sayori hesitantly handed me the marker.

"What are you gonna do?" she asked.

"I'm gonna get revenge," I said before running towards Yuri. She ran out the the doorway and down the stairs. I followed her.

I chased her around Sayori's kitchen before I finally rugby tackled her onto the sofa and uncapped the pen.

"No please don't!" She tried to push my hands away but I somehow managed to overpower her.

I pressed the pen against her face and started to draw lines all over her skin. Eventually her face was covered in child-like scribbles and we were both giggling on the sofa. Sayori and Monika were both watching this scene in utter confusion.

"Okay guys, not of my sofa!" Sayori said. 

I stuck my middle finger up at her in response.

"Hey!" she said," don't be so mean! I don't want anything to happen on my sofa, the thing that I use everyday!"

I blushed a little and suddenly jumped off of Yuri, recoiling a little at the thought of that. Yuri sat up as well, her face just as red as mine. We both looked at each other for a few seconds before bursting into laughter.

"You look ridiculous!" I laughed.

"You do too Natsuki," she said.

We all laughed for a while at our new makeovers. Eventually, Yuri got up from the sofa.

"I think I may need to wash this off of my face, my mother wouldn't be very happy to see this all over my face," she said befor leaving the room.

"I'll make breakfast!" Sayori said, skipping happily into the kitchen.

I could feel my stomach rumble at the mention of breakfast. I wanted food so much right now. Monika sat next to me, looking a little sheepish. That's when I remembered what I had told her last night.

"So?" 

"So what?" She said.

"So what happened? What did she say?" I said, excited to hear her answer.

"Um, so about that... I kinda chickened out and friend zoned her by accident..." Monika looked down at her hands which were awkwardly fiddling with her hair.

In my annoyance, I hit her shoulder.

"Ow! What the hell was that for?"

"Why didn't you tell her? You had the perfect opportunity!" I hissed.

"I was scared, scared that she would say no and never talk to me again. That things between us would be awkward and that she would quit the club because of it," she was now pulling at her hair, tugging strands out of her ponytail.

I felt a little bad for hitting her. I kinda looked away for a second and stared out the window. I decided to change the subject.

"When did you guys wake up then?"

"Yuri woke up first, then me, then Sayori," she said," it wasn't that early but we woke up an hour before you."

"Seriously?" I said in disbelief.

"Yeah, you must've been real tired. We didn't want to wake you," Monika stopped messing with her hair and finally looked up at me.

"Uh thanks, I guess."

We went quiet for a bit, I could tell Monika wanted to ask something. She kept on glancing at me and I was losing patience.

"You want to ask me something, just ask it," I said.

She hesitated before speaking.

"Why do you always look so tired? You're always falling asleep during the club, it's a little worrying," she asked.

"It's nothing, I just have a difficult time getting to sleep."

"But that's not it, is it? You're always hungry as well, I can tell when you are. What really going on Natsuki?" she asked.

"I said, it's nothing! Why can't people just leave me alone sometimes?" I exclaimed, crossing my arms.

"Natsuki, I'm worried. I saw that bruise on your neck."

I swear, I felt my heart stop for a second. I thought I covered that up... How the hell did she see it?

"You don't know what you're talking about," I said, tears forming in my eyes.

"I think I do, it's right there," she pressed on the bruise lightly.

"Ow, what the fuck, Monika! Why did you so that?" 

"Where did you get it from?" Monika asked.

"No where, just stop asking questions!" the tears were now falling down my face.

"Hey, calm down! It's alright, I'll stop asking questions!"

I looked up at her and what I saw was genuine concern. Concern for me, for my wellbeing, for my own strength. I'm so glad I joined this club.

"I-It's my dad. He hurts me, he locks me in my room, he doesn't give me food. I go hungry most days normally whenever he's drunk or whenever he just hates my guts so much that he just wants to destroy them. I don't get any sleep because I'm up all night, terrified that he would come into my room and..." my voice trailed off as I remembered all the terrible things he has done to me. I was crying even more now.

"He does that? Natsuki you have to tell someone, the counsellor, the police even. You can't keep quiet about this forever," Monika said, wrapping her arms around me.

I returned the hug, feeling a little better. Maybe I should tell someone, but that pit in my stomach shifted slightly making the idea more bitter in my head.

"But they'll take me away and I don't want that. I just want to be at home, I'm always safest when he's passed out," I said, biting my hand. It was a habit.

"You always have us to turn to, well maybe not me, my mum probably wouldn't be too happy about that but there's Sayori here and maybe Yuri. We're always here to help you, Natsuki."

I wiped my eyes then quickly pushed Monika away when I saw Sayori and Yuri walk in with two sets of plates. Each plate was handed out and they both sat down on the floor.

"I decided to help this one right here with the breakfast, we managed to salvage what we could," Yuri patted Sayori on the head before having her hand swatted away.

"We can see that," Monika said, picking up the most edible looking thing with her fork and inspecting it carefully.

"Hey! I tried!" Sayori pouted.

"We know, Sayori, we know," I said.

We all laughed for a while and I felt happy. I felt as if a whole weight had been lifted off my shoulder. Maybe I should listen to Monika... But I can't say anything against him. He will always find me again and the punishment will be worse. I tried once when I was younger but he managed to sweet talk his way out of the situation. I sighed, thinking of a world where my dad no longer exists. I wouldn't exist.


	29. Yuri

Monika just left, she was a bit quiet during breakfast. To be fair, so was Natsuki. I think I might leave next, I'm still a bit shaken after what happened yesterday. The kiss, then the massive reveal of my habit. I wasn't expecting this much support, it is a little overwhelming. The last time someone saw my cuts, I lost many of my old friends. They called me an attention seeker, a dirty hoebag, shit like that. It made me hate myself for a while. I was getting so much unwanted attention and teasing that it was a little difficult to cope some days. Those people gravitated towards Monika's friendship group but I don't think she likes any of them. She seems to prefer hanging out with us at the literature club. I've never liked being around people in general but I feel like I can open up a bit around everyone at the club. I'm so glad I went there though I wasn't expecting to see Sayori. When she said club, I thought she meant the cooking club or something cute like that. Her attention span has always been quite low. I guess she surprised me that day.

**************************************************************************

"Do you really have to go?" Sayori said.

"Yes my mum will probably be home soon, I need to at least be there to greet her," I laughed lightly.

"Aww, well have a good time. See you on Monday!" She said excitedly.

"Yeah, see you in class," I turned to Natsuki who awkwardly looked away from me. It seems she hadn't forgotten the kiss either.

"See you at school, I guess," she murmured.

"Yeah, I hope to see you soon," I replied before turning to the door.

"Byeeeee!" I heard Sayori shout as I walked away back home.

I really hope that there's no bad blood between us now, she seemed fine earlier when she got her 'revenge'. She's a nice girl when you get to know her, this whole week has been proof of that. I just wish that things would go well for once.


	30. Sayori

It's quiet tonight, I can't hear much. I'm not really doing anything, I'm just lying on my bed. I'm lying on my bed and I'm thinking about things, things like me and how pathetic I am, things like the club and my poems, things like Monika and... my feelings. God, I don't know what to feel anymore. Should I feel happy, sad, angry, hate, love? Why is it all so confusing? I sigh and throw my pillow onto my face, hating myself even more for feeling these weird things. As I quietly hate myself, I hear the faint ringing of my phone coming from the floor.

"Ah shit," I muttered to myself, throwing my pillow back off my head and reaching down for my phone.

I glanced at the screen and saw that it was Monika calling me. I smiled to myself as I answered. I was a little confused at first when I heard only silence then very heavy breathing.

"Monika, are you okay?" I asked.

"H-Hey Sayori," she said,"no I'm not fine!"

"What's wrong?"

"A little panic attack has just snuck up on me and I can't calm down. Can you help me?"

"Sure, what the hell happened?" I asked, a little taken aback by the fact that Monika of all people was having a panic attack.

"I w-was just writing and it happened. I don't e-even know what triggered it," she stuttered.

"Okay, okay, first of all, you need to breathe. In and out, think you can do that for me?"

"Yeah, okay," she went quiet for a minute, trying to steady the pace of her breathing.

"Have you done that?"

"Yeah, I have," her voice returned, I could hear that she had slowed her breathing

I sighed with relief.

"So you feeling alright now?" I asked.

"Yes, I'm fine. Sorry about this, I really shouldn't have called you," she said, her voice sounding a little choked up.

"No, no! It's alright!" I replied," I'm glad you called."

"Really?" she asked.

"Of course, I... like hearing your voice," I said, covering my face with my hands when I what I said sunk in.

"T-Thanks, I guess."

It went quiet and I thought about what I just said. What the hell was I even thinking? She's going out with that guy in her class, Aaron I think his name is. Well, that's what's going around the school anyways. It makes me feel a little sad, the fact that she may be with someone else. I can't really dwell on it though, everyone always let me down.

"It's the festival in two weeks, isn't it?" Monika suddenly said, startling me a little.

"Yeah, I believe it is," I replied, trying to remember what day it was.

"Should we do an event for it? Promote the club a little and hopefully get some new members," she suggested.

"That's... actually a really good idea," I said," we should do that."

"You think so?" she asked.

"Yeah, we should really begin planning something, seeing as it isn't that long until the festival happens."

"That's true, we can ask the others about it tomorrow," Monika said.

"What should we do then?" I asked, she was the club leader after all.

"Hmm... how about we do a kind of performance. Like, we each choose our own poems and read them out to everyone at the event," she said excitedly. It was almost as if the panic attack had never happened.

"Yeah, that would be fun and it will really bring out our creative sides."

"That's exactly what I was thinking!"

We both giggled, our laughter was almost in sync. It was as if we we're almost in sync and I could feel my heart beat just a little faster.

"People will definitely join afterwards," she said.

"Yeah, I think I have someone who would join the club," I replied.

"Oh really? Who?"

"Just a friend of mine. If I plead enough then I'm sure he'll join," I said.

"He?"

I cover my mouth. Shit, I shouldn't have said that either. 

"Well yeah, it's alright for a boy to be in our club, right?"

"Of course, I was just curious."

I sighed with relief, hopefully it was only curiosity and nothing else.

"Anyways, I should go, my mother is calling me," she said.

"O-Oh okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow," I said.

She hung up first and now here I was feeling pathetic again. Why did I have to mention that it was a guy? Ugh, I'm such an idiot. I groan and drop my phone on the floor again, my finger brushing against something rough. I look down to see what it was and froze. Crap, I forgot about that. I really should put it away. 

_'In fact, I should just do it now.'_ I thought.

I went to pick it up but I stopped myself before I could even touch it again. No, I should wait. I should wait and help Monika with the festival first. At least I can do something right before... I'll try not to think about it. It'll just get to me if I do. I kick it back under my bed again and lay back down, closing my eyes. I can finally do something about my mean imagination now, I just have to be patient.


	31. Natsuki

Reading manga before he comes home is something I do regularly. I flick through all the pages, ready to slide it under my mattress when I hear him open the door. Hopefully he won't search my room again like he did last time, that really hurt. I'm giggling at one page in particular, a feeling of danger and adrenaline rushing through me. I love my manga but I know that he will definitely beat the shit out of me if he ever finds it. I'm always careful and I listen but my hearing sometimes isn't the best. I'm halfway through when the door suddenly bursts open. **_HE_** is visible in the doorway. My heartbeat quickens as he strides in, face filled with rage. I feel even more nervous as he glances from the book to me, his piercing grey eyes burning into my soul. That's when I remembered that I was still wearing the stupid pink tutu he makes me wear, the one he usually likes to look up whenever I'm sitting down. I hoped it wasn't showing too much. I made a useless attempt at pulling it down slightly. After about a minute of silence, he starts screaming abuse at me. I've learnt how to block it all out, after all, this does happen frequently. I was breathing so fast that I was sure I would suffocate. Tears fell from my eyes as he continued hurling insults at me. I knew he was drunk again, he was just managing to string sentences together and his voice was slurred. I look down at the floor, trying to avoid eye contact with him. That's when he slapped me hard in the face. I fell to the side, disorientated, my face stinging. I could taste the blood which was spilling from the new cut in my lip. Whack! Another blow sucked the air out of me. I lay defenseless on the floor, desperately trying to stop my lip from bleeding. He seized the manga out of my hands, scratching my skin as he clumsily snatched it from me.

"How dare you read this bullshit!" he shouted in my ear.

I held back my sobs and just let the tears pour from my eyes. He would be even more mad if I made a big scene. Suddenly, he grabs the key to my room and slams the door shut. A small click indicated that he had locked it. I knew what this meant... no dinner for me. I raced towards the door and hit it with my fists, begging him to let me out. He didn't respond. I listened to him walk down the stairs, probably to guzzle more booze. I sank onto the floor, curling up into a tiny ball. My stomach rumbled as the smell of his cooking drifted up the stairs. I would have to scavenge for left overs tomorrow but for now I had nothing. This is why I'm so small. Every time I make him mad, which is a lot of them time, he locks me in my room, leaving me starving. Crying doesn't help, shouting doesn't help, fighting back doesn't help. He always over powers me. There are particular nights when he's really drunk where he comes into my room and... it's never pleasant and it always hurts in the morning. I cry as quietly as I can, I don't want him to come back up. I weakly pull my self up and slide into bed, closing my eyes and hoping that he won't come in tonight. That's when I hear my phone ping. I look at the screen and see that Monika has messaged me. I open the message and read it.

_'Hey Natsuki, I have a little favour to ask of you. I remember you telling me that you like to bake cupcakes, right? Well, Sayori may be bringing a new member tomorrow so to make them feel more welcome, could you please bring in some cupcakes? If you can't that's alright but I feel like your cupcakes would do the trick. Thank you.'_

I smile to myself. I love making and decorating cupcakes. Baking is my specialty and even if it means getting up earlier in the morning then I would gladly make some cupcakes for tomorrow. I message her back.

_'Sure, I'll make some cupcakes for tomorrow but if that new member doesn't come then Sayori won't hear the end of it.'_

I place my phone down on my bedside table and settle down to get some rest, I need to be awake early if I want them to be done before school.


	32. Ryan

It's a surprisingly nice day today, it wasn't as sunny yesterday. I'm walking to school right now, it's not too late but it's not particularly early either. I can see other students also making their daily commute with me, they're all with their own friends as well. I normally walk to school on my own, I don't have many friends. As I'm walking down the street, I hear someone shouting. 

"Heeeeeeey!!"

I don't think much of it until the shouting gets louder. I turn around and see an annoying girl running towards me, waving her arms in the air like she's totally oblivious to any attention she might draw to herself. 

_'Ah... damn'_ I think, spinning around to continue walking.

She continues to shout and run after me. That girl is Sayori, my neighbour and good friend since we were children. She's the kind of friend you wouldn't make today but it somehow works because you've known each other for so long. We used to walk to school together but when we started high school she would oversleep and I wouldn't bother waiting for her. If she's going to chase after me like this, I almost feel better off running away. However, I instead wait for her to catch up with me.

"Haaahhh... haaahhh... man, I overslept again! But I caught you this time!" she said, breathing heavily from her short sprint.

"Maybe, but only because I decided to stop and wait for you."

"Eeehhhhh? You say that like you were thinking about ignoring me! That's mean, Ryan!"

I roll my eyes at her childish choice of words. She always spoke like she was 5 or something.

"Well, if people stare at you for acting weird then I don't want them to think we're a couple or something," I said, looking around at people nearby, no one had noticed us... yet.

"Fine, fine but you did wait for me after all. I guess you don't have it in you to be mean even if you want to," she replied.

"Whatever you say, Sayori," I mumble.

She giggles as we cross the street and make our way to school. As we get closer, we begin to see more and more people.

"By the way Ryan, have decided on a club to join yet?" she suddenly asked me.

I look up at her, absolutely bewildered. What's brought this up?

"A club? I told you already, I'm not really interested in joining any clubs, I haven't been looking either."

"Eh? That's not true! You told me you would join a club this year!" she said, frowning at me.

"Did I..?"

I probably did in one of our many conversations where I would just go along with whatever she was talking about. She likes to worry about me too much, I'm usually alright by myself with my games and anime.

"Uh-huh! I was talking about how I'm worried that you won't learn how to socialise or have any skills before college," she exclaimed," Your happiness is really important to me, you know? And I know you're happy now, but I'd die at the thought of you becoming a NEET in a few years because you're not used to the real world!"

I went to speak but she continued talking.

"You trust me, right? Don't make me keep worrying about you..."

"Alright, alright! I'll look at a few clubs if it makes you happy," I sighed," no promises though."

"Will you at least promise me you'll try a little?" she pleaded.

"Yeah, I guess I'll promise you that."

"Yaay!" she jumped up and down excitedly 

I roll my eyes at her childish antics. Why do I let myself get lectured by such a carefree girl? More than that, I'm surprised I even let myself relent to her. I guess seeing her worry so much about me makes me want to ease her mind at least a little bit - even if she does exaggerate everything inside her head.

************************************

The school day is as ordinary as ever, and it's over before I know it. I pack up my things, carefully placing each item into my bag then stare at the wall searching for an ounce of motivation. 

"Clubs," I murmur quietly to myself.

Sayori wants me to check out some clubs, I guess I'll look at the anime club first. It might be fun there.

"Hellooo?" I hear a voice from behind me, I jump up from my desk, startled.

"Sayori...?" I say, breathing a sigh of relief when I saw her familiar face.

She must've come inside the classroom while I was thinking. I look around to see that everyone else had left.

"I thought I'd catch you coming out of the classroom, but I saw you just sitting here and spacing out so, I came in." she giggled," honestly you're even worse than me sometimes... I'm impressed!"

"You don't need to wait up for me if it's going to make you late to your own club," I said, silently wishing that she would just leave me alone.

"Well, I thought you might need some encouragement, so I thought, you know..."

"Know what?"

"Well, that you could come to my club!" she said.

Dear god...

"Sayori..."

"Yeah??" she said, completely oblivious to the kind of situation that would put me in.

"... There is no way I'm going to your club."

She frowned at me when I said this.

"Eeeehhhhh?! Meanie!" she pouted at me.

Sayori is the vice president of the literature, not that I was ever aware that she had any interest in literature. The club had supposedly been proposed about a week or two ago and I'm pretty sure Sayori only joined because she wanted to help start a new club. Since she was the first one to show any interest she inherited the title "Vice President". That said, my interest in literature is guaranteed to be even less.

"Yeah, I'm going to the anime club," I said, picking up my bag, ready to leave for the club.

"C'mon, please?" she pleaded once more.

"Why do you care so much, anyways?" I asked.

"Well..." she paused before continuing,"... I kind of told the club yesterday that I would bring in a new member."

She follows me to the door. I was honestly getting real tired of her excuses.

"And Natsuki made-" I cut her off

"Sayori, don't make promises you can keep," I say, turning away from her.

She goes to speak again but I don't want to hear it. I interrupt her again.

"You don't really understand the position going to your club would put me in. Trust me with this, okay?" I say. She nods," I'm going to the anime club, I'll see you later."

I see her face fall as I walk away but I don't really care. She'll just have to tel her club members that it's a no, that I'm not coming. I do feel kinda bad though, maybe I can make it up to her later.


	33. Yuri

"Ugh! Where is she?" 

I look up from my book at Natsuki, who was carrying a tray with a sheet of foil on top. I look quizzically at the tray. She then suddenly turns to me.

"Are you okay Yuri?" she asked

"Oh? Yes, I'm fine. Just wondering what is under the foil," I answer.

Natsuki looks around then places the tray on the desk I was sitting at. She then carefully lifted the foil to reveal a bunch of fluffy cupcakes all decorated to look like little cats. Their whiskers had been drawn on with icing and their little ears were made of chocolate. They looked and smelled delicious.

"What's going on?" Monika walked over to us," wow Natsuki, those look incredible. Our new member will love them."

"New member?" I said.

"Sayori might be bringing a new member today so I made cupcakes for them. I emphasise the word might though. They probably won't come," Natsuki said, sourly.

"Well then, I'll make some tea," I slipped my bookmark in place and got up from me seat. 

I walked over to the closet and opened the door. It was quite dark inside but luckily the water pitcher and kettle were close to the light. I picked both up, closed the closet door and placed them down on the desk. Monika and I managed to convince the teachers to let us use the kettle they keep for break, they had a whole tea set and everything. There was a water fountain nearby, I'll fill the water pitcher there. I went to leave the room.

"I'll be back in a minute," I called out to the others then left.

I wondered down the hall until I got to the water fountain. I filled up the water pitcher and went to walk back but I stopped myself. No one else was around right now, I was all alone. I reached into my pocket and carefully pulled one of my knives out. This was one I bought not so long ago. Intricate patterns had been carved into the handle and the blade itself was gently tinted blue. I thought it was beautiful. I ran the point down my arm, digging it in more as I went down. I smile as blood spills from my arm. The cut was only thin today, I couldn't leave any marks. I feel a little bad for doing this seeing as everyone was so hurt to see the scars but I don't think I can stop. The feeling I get when the blade tears my skin open is just wonderful, like I'm in heaven, like I'm in control. I can't stop, I won't stop. When I was finished, I put the knife back into my blazed pocket and walked back, water pitcher in hand. I opened the door to see the others all talking. Sayori was sitting at one of the desks but there was no one with her. My face fell, they weren't coming, were they? I suddenly felt anger. not only towards this mystery member but also towards Sayori for keeping my hopes up. People always know how to let you down.

"What do you mean they're not coming?!" Natsuki exclaimed.

"They just aren't," she said.

"But why?" 

"I don't know..." She said.

I walked towards the desk. Sayori's expression was almost blank, there was no happiness, sadness or anger. There was just emptiness. I was a little taken aback by this. I had never seen her like this before, so dead inside. I kind of felt bad for blaming her, it wasn't her fault that they wouldn't come. 

"Who's going to eat these cupcakes then?"

"Um, we are?" Monika said, looking not mad but disappointed.

"But they were for the new member!" Natsuki said, hands on her hips.

"I know, but there's not a lot we can do about it now," I said.

"Hmph," Natsuki folded her arms then stomped away," have the cupcakes then!"

I picked one of the cupcakes off of the tray then went to finish making the tea. I brought out each cup individually and handed them to everyone before retrieving my own and my cupcakes. Monika had taken one as well and one was sitting in front of Sayori along with her cup of tea. She didn't touch either of them, just stared at them for ages. I tried reading my book was just distracted by what had happened. The member just refused to come, I understand why they wouldn't be able to come but to just refuse and hurt four people's feelings, it was just horrible. Poor Sayori. Poor Natsuki. Poor Monika. Poor literature club. As I finally was starting to lose myself in my book, I heard a scraping noise. Sayori was getting out of her chair and packing up her stuff. I wanted to say something but thought better of it. I watched as she walked over to Monika, whispered something to her then left the club room. Natsuki had also been watching. 

"Where is she going?" she said.

"She's going home," Monika said," she said she feels ill."

Natsuki sighs loudly.

"Natsuki, could you not please!"

We both stared up at Monika in shock, she had never snapped at anyone before. Natsuki frowned at her.

"Why not? Why can't I sigh, Monika?" she snapped back.

"This is not really the time," Monika said.

"Is this because you like her, you're protecting her? Sayori is the same age as us Monika! She needs to grow up fast!"

"That's not the fucking point Natsuki!"

"Well why are you being so attentive to her? She won't learn things by herself if you keep on mothering her," I said. I agree with Natsuki here.

"You guy really just don't get it. I don't blame you for not understanding because she didn't tell you," Monika sat down at one of the desks.

"What the hell are you talking about Monika?" Natsuki said.

Monika sighed too but it sounded more sad than Natsuki's.

"I need to tell you guys something."


	34. Monika

I never though I'd say these words, like I never ever thought they'd be ones that would come out of my mouth. I looked at my two club members, both were still mad that Sayori had let them down but they don't understand.

"Um so, a while ago- uh not a while ago it was during the sleepover when you guys...um no shouldn't say that. So you see-"

"Just spit it out Monika," Natsuki said, getting sick of my rambling.

"Okay... well during the sleepover when you can Yuri were... elsewhere Sayori told me something I never really expected," I looked down at my hands, which were shaking.

"What did she say?" Yuri asked.

"I never really wanted to say anything until a little later but by the way you two were acting then was just unbearable to watch. Guys... she has depression," I let the words hang in the air for a few seconds, let them sink in a little.

Both of their expressions changed to slight sadness and regret. Natsuki curled up a little, hunching over in her chair. Yuri just stared at her desk. They were both silent which made my job even more difficult. I went to speak but...

"How long?" Natsuki asked.

"I'm guessing a few years, since high school started I believe," I said.

"Oh god," Yuri covered her face with her hands.

We couldn't tell what she was doing, was she crying or just hiding her face? Natsuki went to put her hand on her shoulder, probably to comfort her, but though better of it.

"I'm sorry" Yuri whimpered, parting two of her fingers so she could look at us.

"It's not me you should be apologising to Yuri," I said, gently lowering her hands from her face. I caught a glimpse of something red on her arms but I wasn't going to ask now. I'll approach her at the end of the club, maybe I could convince her to seek medical help or something.

"I know, I know but we were also horrible to you as well. You're just looking out for her and we got the wrong idea," she said.

"It's okay," I replied.

I looked over to Natsuki who was now just staring into space. I waved my hand in front of her face to get her attention.

"I didn't know," she whispered.

"Don't worry, I understand. She only told me a few days ago so I'm still... processing this," I said.

"If we had known then we would've tried to be better," she said.

"I know that but not a lot can be done now. We've just got to be careful around her, okay?" I said.

"Yeah," they said in unison.

"Good, I think we should end this meeting, there's not much we can really do. Uhh, make sure you write your poems for tomorrow and see you then," I started packing up my stuff.

They followed, Yuri put the tea set away and Natsuki picked up the tray of cupcakes. She approached me and held the tray up.

"There are quite a few left so take another one," she offered," and take one for Sayori, I think she needs one."

I nodded and took two from the tray. She walked over to Yuri and offered a cupcake as well, she gratefully took one. I waited for Natsuki to leave before talking to Yuri.

"Hey Yuri, are you okay? I could tell you took the news pretty hard," I asked.

"Yes, it was, wasn't it? I'm alright, just need to think about this."

"I saw something on your arm earlier, I just wanted to ask if... you're still hurting yourself," I said.

She hesitated a little before pulling her sleeves up to reveal a fresh set of cuts.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't help it," she said, her face flushing pink.

"It's okay, I understand. It's hard to stop something like this. Uhh, here, I have the number of a therapist I used to see, give him a call and maybe he can help you. Just know, Yuri, that we're all here for you, we're your friends. We'd never turn our backs on you," I quickly scribbled down the number on a piece of paper and handed it to her.

"T-Thank you Monika," she said. 

She didn't move for a second but suddenly she wrapped her arms around me in a big hug. I smiled and hugged her back. I'm so glad that I can help her, glad that I'm her friend. It's only been a week and a day but I feel like I've known the club for years. Yuri reluctantly let go of me.

"Anyways, we'd better start heading home. I've got a cupcake to deliver," I picked up the cupcakes.

We both walked towards the door, Yuri holding it open for me.

"Could you hold this for a second while I lock up?" I ask. She nodded and took one of the cupcakes from me as I got my key out and locked the door. Yuri handed the cupcake back to me and we started walking down the hall together.

We walked home mainly in silence, it seems that today's tension still hangs in the air. We eventually reached Sayori's house.

"Do you want me to wait for you?" Yuri asked.

"No, it's fine, I don't want to make you wait. I'll see you tomorrow," I said.

"Okay, I can't wait," she started walking away.

"Hey, Yuri!" I shouted to her

She stopped and turned to me.

"I hope you feel better soon. If you need to talk, I'm always here."

She smiled and walked away. I looked at Sayori's house and walked towards the door. I knocked on it, hoping she would answer it. It took a minute or so until the door finally opened, revealing a rather tired-looking Sayori. She looked surprised to see me.

"Monika?"

"Hey Sayori, don't worry, I'm only here to deliver a cupcake. You don't have to talk if you don't want to," I wasn't going to force her into an uncomfortable conversation.

"Thank you," she took the cupcakes, a small smile on her face," are the others still mad at me?"

"No they're not," I said.

She sighed with relief, tears in her eyes.

"I'm so sorry Monika, I don't know what happened but he didn't want to come and I didn't know what to do so I just-" she said all that in one breath. 

"I know, it's okay. Just calm down. It's alright," I pulled her into a hug, holding onto her gently as she cried into my shoulder.

"But-"

"It's not your fault. Natsuki and Yuri were just disappointed so they lashed out. You didn't do anything wrong," I whispered.

We stayed there for a while, holding onto each other as she cried. Well we stayed there like that until I could feel my phone buzzing. I pulled it from my pocket and glanced at the screen. It was my mum.

"Shit..." I whispered.

She had sent me about 5 texts.

"Monika, can you please come home?"

"Where are you?"

"It's important."

"Come home now!"

"Are you even reading these?"

"What's wrong?" Sayori asked.

"I need to go home, I'm sorry. Uh, I'll see you tomorrow," I ran down the path.

"O-Okay, see you tomorrow," she called after me.

Shit... shit, shit, shit! I'm gonna get a fucking earful when I get home, that's for sure. I ignored the strange looks I was getting from the people around me and ran all the way home. I hope I wouldn't get into too much trouble


	35. Sayori

I sat there on my bed, eating the cupcake Monika had given to me. She had to leave so abruptly, I don't even know why. I sigh and lie down on the bed, feeling horrible again. I don't know what to feel anymore. I failed, I disappointed all of them and they still forgive me eve though it's my fault. Man, I really am selfish, aren't I? I just can't fucking believe it. I look down and see my note book on the floor next to my favourite pen, the one with the watermelons on. I pick it up, a new idea in my head, a poem. I write it down :

Swinging

back and forth,

over and over.

A hypnotising scene

of never ending swinging

back and forth,

over and over.

Can never take my eyes away

from the sickening swinging

back and forth,

over and over.

The rope creaking

from the tiring swinging

back and forth,

over and over.

Heart feels weak

from the hopeless swinging

back and forth,

over and over.

Can't stop watching

the static swinging

back and forth,

over and over.

Hard to breathe

because of the breathless swinging

back and forth,

over and over.

Brain scattered

from the thoughtful swinging

back and forth,

over and over.

Falling asleep

to the darkness swinging

back and forth,

over and over.

An echoed swinging,

forever ringing,

back and forth,

over and over.

A pointless cycle

of deadly swinging,

It never stops,

it keeps on moving.

It's still under my bed, I can feel the rough material touching the back of my heel. I can easily do it now and no one will care. It won't matter, right? No, I need to help Monika finish planning the festival. That's the only thing that matters to me, everyone having a good time at the festival. Everyone needs to be happy.


	36. Natsuki

I can't stop thinking about what happened yesterday, I still can't believe that I had gotten that worked up. I can't concentrate on my manga right now, I'm sitting by the fountain with the book on my lap. I'm just staring at the two pages in front of my, the horrible thoughts plaguing my mind. I feel so bad for Sayori, we treated her like absolute shit and I want to apologise so bad but... I don't know how. I've never had to say sorry to anyone before. I think about just doing it now, getting it over with and making Sayori feel better. I'm about to put my manga away when suddenly someone sat next to me. I look up to see who it is.

"Oh, it's you," I sigh.

The boy smiles at me like I hadn't just said anything. He was a guy I bumped into last week and apparently we have something in common, our love for manga. Our genres are quite different though.

"Hi, what're you reading?" he asked, peering down at the pages.

"That's none of your business," I said, swatting his head away.

"Ow, that hurt," he said.

"Ha! That's what you get for poking your nose in other people's business, dummy!" I slam the manga shut and shove it in my bag.

I stand up to leave but he stops me.

"Can I at least get your name?"

I frown at him.

"That's all you want?"

"If it's what you're willing to give me, then yes," he said.

"N-Natsuki," I said hesitantly.

"Cool, I'm Ryan," he replied.

I crossed my arms, giving him my best death glare.

"Jeez, what's got you in such a sour mood?"

"I was about to go apologise to someone and you interrupted me," I said, storming off to find Sayori.

****************************

I found Sayori inside an empty classroom, spacing out.

"Hey," I said, waving my hand in front of her face.

She jumped, almost falling out her chair. I caught her before she actually did.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Yes I'm alright," she said, trying to calm herself down.

We went a little quiet for a moment. I could see tears in her eyes, she was trying to hold them back. I put my hand on her shoulder awkwardly, not sure what to do

"S-Sorry," she said, finally letting the tears spill," I'm really sorry. I disappointed you all. I didn't mean to but he wouldn't come and he wouldn't listen to me!"

"No, don't be. If anything I'm the one who should be sorry, I shouldn't have gotten so pissed off at you. It was uncalled for and I'm so sorry for making you feel horrible."

"I don't want you to be sorry, you don't need to be. I'm the idiot who thought my stupid plan would work," she exclaimed.

I went to speak but held back those words, they weren't going to do any good in this scenario. Instead, I thought of something more comforting, something that would get her to open up a little bit.

"You're not the only one to feel a bit useless. I understand what it's like to feel like people hate you," I started with that.

She looked up at me, a little surprised.

"Really?"

"Yeah, I've days where I feel like people just want me to die in a ditch. My dad doesn't help at all but that's beside the point. I may seem bossy, whiny, like a tsundere but inside I'm scared. I'm scared of what people think of me, I'm scared of going home, scared that I'll lose everyone who's important to me. I don't wanna lose you Sayori so I'm really sorry, I should've kept my mouth shut yesterday," I whispered.

I'm about to sit next to her when suddenly she leaps out of her chair and wraps her arms tightly around me. I sheepishly return the hug, not sure of what else to do. 

"You don't need to be scared Natsuki, I'm not going anywhere any time soon. I don't want you to be scared," she whimpered, her voice breaking.

I feel tears in my eyes, I let them fall. There's no point in trying to hide them. I hold onto her for a while, tears streaming down my face, feeling happier than before. Sayori needs us, I'm gonna make sure we're there for her. No matter what happens.

"Thank you," she said, letting go of me.

"No problem," I laughed, wiping my tears off my face," tell us if there's anything wrong. Pinky promise?"

I hold my pinky out. She smiles at me.

"Pinky promise," she links her own little finger around mine.

We both giggle.

"Anyways, come one, lets go get some lunch. I know you're hungry," I said.

I had managed to save enough coins to buy myself some lunch today. I was excited and I could feel my stomach rumble, complaining about how hungry it was.

"Yeah, okay," she says.

We leave the classroom and walk down to the cafeteria. We buy some lunch then just talk. We talk about the sleepover, the club last week and the festival. I feel something, something I haven't felt in a long time. Compassion? Excitement? Happiness? I don't know, maybe it's just my tummy talking.


	37. Monika

I'm sitting at the piano once more, my fingers poised over the keys. I had improved on my song and have been practicing for a while now. I'm still not ready to perform it yet but when I am I know who's going to hear my music first. I hope she likes it. I have a little time left before the club, I've actually been checking the the clock. As I press down on one of the keys I feel a weird form of pressure, one I recognised all too well. A weight that pushes down on your back, slowly crushing you. The one that makes it hard to breathe, the one that makes you feel weak. A sudden idea pushed its way through the fog in my head. I had already written a poem for todays meeting but it wouldn't hurt to write another. I reach into my bag, pull out a notebook and pen and open up to a blank page, trying to put these emotions into words. 

Bittersweet Melodies 

It's always comforting to help others.

Offer them my assistance, make their lives better.

When everything is just chaos, I always try to stop it.

I always try to make it good.

If there's ever a problem, I'm there to fix it.

It's my duty after all, right?

Their appreciation is like bittersweet melodies, their joy is like the sickly sound of piano notes. 

Sometimes, though, I need help

but there's no one there to save me.

Trauma and anxiety play me like a piano, their finger tips like weights on my head. 

They mess with me for their own sick benefit, they toy with me as if I were their plaything. 

When it feels like I'm drowning, I'm not pulled from the water. They push me in further.

When it feels like I'm burning, no one is there to put me out. They add more matches. 

I don't really know what to do anymore.

Do I just let myself fade away?

Or do I scream for someone to save me?

Do I even have a voice anymore?

None of it matters though. 

There's no bittersweet melodies for me.

I take my pen off the paper, the feeling hadn't gone away. I sigh, accepting it. I look down at my watch. The club was starting in five minutes. I stand up and leave, feeling even less motivated than before.


	38. Monika

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hah, throwing more Monika in your direction. Hope you enjoy.

I was with Sayori, we were laughing, joking, chatting having fun. I felt happy, I felt free. I had no worries left in the world. Everything was alright in the literature club.

"So Monika, did you write me a poem today?" she asked, smiling up at me.

I could feel a blush spread across my cheeks, her smile was so sweet, so genuine. I could feel one grow on my own face as I reached into my bag and pulled out my little black notebook. I flicked through each page until I reached the one with my confession poem. I handed it to her slowly, I was unsure if this was the right decision. I hoped that she would accept, we could be happy together forever. She read it, staring longingly at the page. Her face flushed pink as she put it down then launched herself forward, wrapping her arms around me.

"Is that a yes?" I mused, returning the hug.

"Yes, Monika, I'm so happy!" she jumped up and down excitedly.

I... was happy as well but I had a feeling in my gut, telling me something wasn't right. I backed away a little, not letting go of her, I just wanted to see her eyes, her beautiful sky blue eyes. I was gonna kiss her, the look on her face told me that she wasn't gonna let go until she got one. I sigh happily and lean forwards, she mirrors my movements. Our lips connected and it felt perfect. Her lips were soft and fit with mine, like the final puzzle piece of a jigsaw. She tasted like sugar and golden syrup, pancakes and butter, chocolate and icing. I relished these flavours, I held her closer to me. Strangely though, her lips were getting colder and colder, her arms were limp and had fallen away from my waist, her heart wasn't beating against my chest anymore. I opened my eyes and saw that hers were losing colour, going dead. That's when I noticed that she was leaning against me. She wasn't breathing, she wasn't speaking, she was dead. A quiet, strangled noise rose from my throat as I backed away from her in shock, Sayori's body fell to the floor with a loud thud.

"No, no, no, no, no! Sayori!" I darted over to her lifeless body and knelt down.

I check for a pulse, nothing. I check to see if she was breathing, nothing. I saw that there was a large bruise around her neck and her fingertips were bloody. The blood from her fingers seemed to spread across the floor, reaching towards my knees. I felt dizzy, I put my hand on the floor to balance myself. That's when I realised how the lighting in the room had changed. In fact the room itself had changed completely. All the desk and chairs had disappeared apart from a desk and two chairs that were in the middle of the classroom. It had gotten a lot darker now, light seemed to spring into life in the middle of the air casting an amber glow on the floor. I couldn't find a source anywhere, the light just seemed to exist. My eyes widened when I looked out of the window. Where were we? I couldn't see any of the cherry blossom trees that had been planted outside the club room windows. Instead I saw space? Or was it just a never ending void? I couldn't tell. I looked over at the cupboard and saw two pairs of shoes sticking out, I didn't know who was in there but they certainly weren't alive. Voices seemed to echo from nowhere, the people who they belonged to weren't in the room.

"It's just you now."

"Isn't that what you wanted?"

"It's just the two of you."

The two of us? I look around to see if someone else was in the room and spot a boy sitting in one of the chairs, staring forward into space. I was to call out to him but I couldn't. I couldn't talk, I couldn't scream, I couldn't whisper. All there was left was the echoes of voices I couldn't see.

"It's just you, Monika, just you."

"It's just Monika."

"Just Monika."

"Just Monika."

"Just Monika."

"Just Monika."

"Just Monika."

They whispered the phrase repeatedly in my ears. I looked up at the guy, silently pleading, but he couldn't hear me. It was almost as if he were patiently waiting for someone to walk in and sit down in the seat opposite. But nobody came.

_**"Just Monika!"** _

********************

I woke up from my nightmare, tangled up in my bed sheets, a hot and bothered mess. My heart was racing, my breathing was faster, sweat trickled down my face. It was just a nightmare, Monika, go back to sleep. I snuggle back down and close my eyes but sleep is a lot harder to fall into if you're scared of your next visit. Part of me wanted to go into my mother's room and just climb into my bed so she could keep me safe. I remember the days when I was just a child, playing in the garden and having Teddy bear picnics with my mother. Those were fun while they lasted. I think about the nightmare instead, try to find out what it meant. What were those voices, who was that guy at the table, why was Sayori... dead? I shivered when I remembered those lifeless eyes staring up at me, burning a hole into my own. I grimaced when remembered the smell of death and blood in the club room, I'd never be able to look at that room the same ever again. Those bodies in the closet, who were they? All these different questions raced through my mind but I focused on one. What did just Monika mean? Why was it just me? I sigh just as confused as I was before, none of this made sense. I finally felt sleep wash over me like a giant wave and for the rest of the night it was peaceful. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a reference, if you find it you pass my test. Hint: the reference isn't even from doki doki


	39. Yuri

Monika mentioned the festival today which surprised me quite a bit. I wasn't really planning on participating this year, big events always stress me out which makes me cut myself even more. I don't think the others would be too happy if I did that again. She said that maybe we should have an event to draw some new members in. I do agree with her even though I'm not a fan of last minute preparations, the festival is next week and we've only just started discussing it. We're yet to talk about the setting and what we would be doing but I'm trying to convince myself that I'll be alright and that we'll do fine. I'm sure we'll figure everything out before the week ended. I locked my knives away in one of my drawers to keep them away from me, I don't really want to relapse now. I was reading my book but I was quite distracted by the thought of the festival, I don't usually do much while at the festival, the amount of people crowding in one area gives me such anxiety. After all, I'm an introvert at heart and I've never been keen on people... My only exception is my friends at the club who I enjoy spending time with. I get to be myself when I'm around them and that makes me happy in a nice way, not in my crazy insane way. I'm so distracted that the sound of my phone almost makes me jump out of my skin. I pick up my phone and see that Sayori had texted me, I open up the message to see what she had written.

_"Hi Yuri, I'm sorry that I disappointed you guys yesterday. I wanted to explain but it was... complicated."_

I responded instantly.

_"No no, you don't need to be sorry. We all overreacted yesterday, none of this is your fault."_

_"Okay, I guess..."_

_"Sayori?"_

_"Mhm?"_

_"You know that you can talk to me. If you're ever feeling down then I'm here for you. You're not alone."_

I waited eagerly for her response.

_"I'll keep that in mind."_

She didn't message me back after that. I was so worried about her, so worried that it made me want to hurt myself. I stare longingly at the locked draw, thinking of all the beautiful blades in there. The key was on top of my wardrobe. A few cuts wouldn't hurt anyone now, would it? I desperately reached for the key and rushed over to my drawer, unlocking it as quickly as I could. I sorted through the knives until I came across one with a mosaic like pattern, ah so pretty, I ordered that one from Spain and I haven't been able to use it much, might as well use it now. I cut deeply into my skin, tearing through layers of flesh, watching the blood spurt out. It wasn't that deep but it felt like it was and it was so amazing, imagine if this made me bleed out. So incredible... I continued for a while then placed the knife down and admired my handiwork. My arm was covered in fresh cuts, each one bleeding so much. I came a little more prepared this time, I had bandages. I cleaned my arm then wrapped the cloth around my arm. The blood soaked through but that didn't matter, it made it look even better. I cleared up the mess then sat back down on my bad, satisfied with my work. I picked up my book and slowly found my way back inside it.


	40. Sayori

I sigh and let my phone fall to the floor, feeling even worse. Why did I have to give Yuri an answer like that? She didn't deserve that at all. Ugh, Sayori, you're such an idiot! I don't really know what came over me, I guess it was just that little part inside my head that tells me that I would just be a burden, I hate that part of me so much. I pick my phone up again and look back over some of my conversations. One of them was one I had with Monika earlier where we discussed some plans for the festival. She said that me and her could make some pamphlets together containing poems that each of us choose to recite. I thought it was a really good idea, it meant that we could spend some more time together, I would really like that. She was strangely specific with what she thought others could do to help, she said that Natsuki could make some literature-related cupcakes to help draw people in and she said that Yuri could be in charge of making decorations that would fit the aesthetic of the club. I agreed with both suggestions but it was how detailed each one was, like she knew something I didn't or something. I shivered at the thought. Suddenly, I heard a knock at the door. I begrudgingly got up to answer it. 

"Hey Sayori!" I heard Ryan say from the other side. 

I opened the door, putting on my best smile before it passed my face. Ryan was standing there looking impatient. 

"That took you a while," he grumbled pushing past me. 

"Hey, I'm tired and I didn't want to get up to answer the door!" I said defensively, closing the door behind me. 

"Sayori, what if it was something important? You can't just not answer the door," he said. 

"Don't be mean!" I replied, following him into the living room. 

He sighed, looking around at the new mess I had managed to form in under a few days. 

"Can't you keep this house tidy?" 

"I had friends around," I said, pouting at him. 

"Friends?" he looked at me confused. 

"Don't just assume that you're my only friend, Ryan, that's mean!" I said, "anyways this conversation isn't meant to be about me, is it? Why are you here?" 

"Oh, I almost forgot, I need some more advice." 

"Okay..." I said, curious. 

"So I saw that girl again the other day. She got pissed at me again, said she needed to apologise to a friend or something and that I got in her way. What should I do to not annoy her?" he asked. 

Okay, so this was Natsuki. I'm not sure what to tell him, everything that happened on Saturday was still on my mind and I knew something happened between Yuri and her. I don't think I should mention that bit. 

"Like I said before, don't be too overbearing, girls hate when a guy pays too much attention to them," I answered. 

"Anything else?" 

"Just be yourself, I think that she'll like the normal you more than the overly masculine guy you pretend to be at school," I said. 

"I am myself at school!" he said. 

I roll my eyes at this, I just wanted him to go away now. 

"Now if that's all, you should get going," I said, smiling sweetly at him. 

"Good idea," he got up and ran to the door. 

"Okay-" 

I heard the door slam. 

"Bye..." 

I groan and slide back down into my sofa, feeling tears in my eyes again. God, I need to stop crying so much, it'll only make me look worse. I look over and see my notebook again. I laugh, it always seems to be in very convenient places. Maybe I could write my final poem now, for the pamphlet that Monika is making. I won't send it to her yet, I'll wait a while. I begin to write it down, it'll be perfect, it'll be happy... 


	41. Monika

I'm sitting in class, bored out of my mind. Nothing is really happening, we're just going back over stuff we've already learnt. It was just generic maths, nothing I found too difficult, so it was easy for my mind to wander a little bit. Normally I'd be worrying about very trivial things like whether or not my friends were chatting shit about me or that everyone hated me for leaving the debate club but today I'm thinking about lots of other things, it's the only thing I can really do. I think about my upcoming tests, my grades, my well-being, Sayori, the club, the festival and...

**'** **My first suicide attempt... "** I sighed as the memories came   
flooding   
back... 

  
It had been a cold day, I remember the. wind blowing harshly on my face. It was only a few days before Christmas, it had snowed a little after school ended, I remember the snowflakes floating in the air. I was only fifteen and I had been crying myself to sleep for **3 DAYS STRAIGHT** and I was **SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO** tired... I w anted to sleep forever, I want ed everything to be over so I finally plucked up the **COURAGE** to end it all.

I  
wandered  
into  
the  
garage  
with  
my  
mums  
keys  
and  
unlocked  
her  
car.   


I  
climbed  
inside  
and  
opened   
the  
windows,   
trying   
to  
keep  
my   
hands   
from  
shaking.

I   
lay  
back  
and  
relaxed   
a  
little,   
feeling  
better  
about  
it. 

I  
was  
finally  
doing  
this,   
I

was

finally

ready  
to  
leave.

  
I waited patiently for the affects to start kicking in. It took a while but I eventually felt the **MONOXIDE** start to take over my body.   
  
  
  


It felt like  
I was  
slowly  
sinking  
.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
Further Further  
 **AND**  
Deeper Deeper   
  
  
  


  
**SUDDENLY**...

A weird feeling came over me. 

I didn't want to die anymore... 

  
I   
rushed   
out   
of   
the  
car and   
back   
into   
the  
living  
room.

I   
was  
barely   
able   
to  
utter  
a  
word  
to  
my  
mother

  
before   
I  
collapsed.  
.   
.   
. 

  
"Monika?"

I looked up to see my teacher watching me with concern. I smiled up at him, trying to reassure him that I was okay. I looked around and saw that everyone was staring at me that's when I noticed that I was crying.

"Sorry, sir, I was a little distracted," I said, wiping the tears away.

"Do you need to step outside for a minute?" he asked.

"No, I'm alright," I smiled.

"Okay, if you're sure," he went back to teaching.

I heard people around me whispering, all of them speculating the reason behind my tears, I was meant to be perfect, perfect girls don't cry. They were all so wrong about me, I'm not perfect. I still can't believe how much I remember from that attempt, I had tried so many times to erase the memory completely but it stuck with me for ages. My mum didn't want to believe that it was an attempted suicide even though the doctors tried to tell her it was, how could her perfect little girl even consider such a cowards way out? Those were her words, not mine. She did agree to book a few counselling sessions and they worked for a while. The councillor was nice but over time his words meant nothing to me. I had nothing else to talk about so I stopped going to them, I wonder if he's still there... I don't dwell on these thoughts for long, I have a lot more to concentrate on. I pick up my pen and begin to write.


	42. Natsuki

I walked into the club and saw only Monika in there. I looked around, confused, usually the others were here before me. Monika smiles at me as I closed the doors behind me, behind that smile I could see slight sadness.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine," she said.

"Uh, are you sure, Monika?"

"Yes, I'm pretty sure. I'm just tired," she said.

Bullshit, I could see past that big lie. She couldn't really trick me anymore, I know one of her biggest secrets so I know almost everything about her. I don't see why she tries to cover up her emotions, is it because she doesn't want to worry Sayori or something? Or did she just not want us to notice her and her sadness? Wow, she really does like Sayori, doesn't she?

"I can see that you're not alright, Monika, why are you lying to me?" I asked.

"I'm not lying to you," she said, "could you please drop it?"

"Uh no, you're sad, I can see that," I replied, crossing my arms over my chest and wincing when I could feel one of my ribs sticking out a little.

"I think you need glasses then because I'm not seeing what you see," she pulled a notebook out of her bag and started writing something down.

"Why can't you tell me anything? I told you about my... issues, why am I not allowed to hear yours?" I asked.

"I don't have any issues, Natsuki, so I don't have anything to talk about!"

"What's eating at you then? Don't even try to deny that somethings bothering you!"

She paused for a moment before breaking down into tears. I wasn't expecting this, Monika is usually the one who can get it together, seeing her cry like this made me feel uncomfortable. I inched towards her and patted her shoulder, unsure of what I could say to console her.

"Please, tell me what's wrong," I said, "let me help you."

She sobbed a little bit before speaking.

"S-Something happened today a-and it's fucked me up," she said, her voice shaking.

"What happened?" I asked.

"It was j-just some bad memories, I'd rather not talk a-about it," she answered, "but I can't stop t-thinking now."

I didn't say anything, I wouldn't be much help. She just needed someone to listen to her, I'm that someone.

"It's all so fucked up, this world is so fucked up. When I start to feel better about everything, I fall back into the cycle of feeling like shit. I can't do anything to change it, you can't do anything to change it, we just have to let it happen. My problems can't even compare to yours, or Yuri's, or Sayori's, mine are just there and they don't matter. I don't even matter anymore, I should be a side character in this story, you guys have way bigger roles in this than I do. I may as well be..." she trailed off, sighing when she finished her long rant.

"May as well be what?" I asked, fearing the worst, "dead?"

Monika nodded, looking down at the floor and wiping away her tears. My eyes widened a little when I heard this, was she... suicidal? I didn't want to believe it but I knew I had to if I wanted to help my friend.

"M-Monika, why did you never say anything?"

"I didn't want to trigger Sayori, I didn't want her to try anything," she replied, her voice sounded almost monotonous, "I can't lose her, Natsuki, I don't know what I would do if she was gone."

She looked at me with expressionless eyes, her whole face seemed to lack emotions. Her skin was paler, her eyes were darker, her hair was dull, she looked like a walking corpse. I'm not very good with hugs, I'm not even gonna try hugging her. The best I could do was rub her shoulder and tell her everything was going to be okay, I knew it wasn't enough but what else could I say?

"You should talk to me more often, you're very good at that," I said, trying to lighten the mood.

"Okay," she chuckled, "I'll try."

"Promise me that you'll talk to us about anything that's bothering you, your problems are just as important as ours,"I held my pinkie out to her.

"I promise," she linked her own finger around mine,"thank you for listening."

"That's what friends are for, right?"

"Yeah, anyways, I'd better clean myself up a little before they get here. I'll be back in a few minutes," Monika said, walking towards the door.

"Okay," I said, watching her leave.

About a minute later, Sayori and Yuri walked in, chatting about their last class. Well, more like bickering but I couldn't tell exactly.

"It was only five minutes, Yuri," Sayori said.

"Five minutes that we could've been spending at the club," Yuri replied, placing her bag on the back of a nearby chair.

"But it wasn't my fault!"

"Yes it was Sayori."

I stood there as they continued to argue, confused as fuck.

"Um, what the hell happened?" I asked.

"Sayori kept on talking to me in class and we got in trouble and had to stay back for 5 minutes," Yuri said, flicking through a book she had just pulled from her bag.

"We wouldn't have gotten caught if you hadn't been telling me to be quiet," she said.

"You shouldn't have been talking in the first place," Yuri rolled her eyes, "anyways, where is Monika?"

"She went to the bathroom," I answered.

"Oh okay," she replied, looking down at her book.

Sayori sat down at a desk and started drawing things on her rubber. Yuri was already lost in her book, I don't think she'd be finding her way out anytime soon. I walked over to the closet so I could find my box of manga, Monika let me keep it in the clubroom so my dad wouldn't find it. I don't even know what he would do if he found a full set under my bed, he'd probably beat me until I couldn't stand up but it depends on how drunk he was. I opened the cupboard door and started to search for the box, sighing when I saw that it was on the top shelf. Did a teacher move it up there or something? I try to jump up and grab it but I just end up scraping my shins on the other shelves.

"Ow, shit," I hiss, looking at me legs to see how bad it was. Luckily I wasn't bleeding.

"Are you okay, Natsuki?"

I turn to see Yuri standing by the door of the closet.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just a little pissed," I said.

"How come?" she asked.

"Someone put my box of... manga on the top shelf and I can't reach it," I said.

"Do you want me to help?"

"Yeah," I mumbled. I never like to admit defeat but I didn't want to stand on a chair and it was Yuri so yeah.

I point up at the right box and take a step back so she could retrieve it.

"This one?" she said.

"Yes, that one," I replied.

She held onto the box and gently eased it from the shelf and brought it down. She handed it to me, a small smile on her face. I quickly snatched it from her and hid my blushing face behind it.

"Uh, t-thanks," I said, rushing out of the closet to avoid further embarrassment.

"Your welcome," she said, blushing a little as well.

I put the box on a desk and looked through it until I came across the first volume of Parfait Girls. I checked to see if there were any bends or creases then sat down and started to read. I heard the door open and looked up to see Monika walk back in, looking much better. She smiled at me then walked over to Sayori and struck up a conversation with her. I returned my attention to my manga, happy to finally be able to read it without worrying about my father storming into the room.   
******************************

**(Did you seriously think that this chapter would be over? No, I'm working overtime today.)**

"Okay everyone! It's time to discuss our plans for the festival!"

We all congregated at the front of the room, ready to receive our roles for the festival. I know what I want to do and I'm pretty sure Monika does as well so hopefully I'll be able to do that. I think she and Sayori talked about it I'm quite a bit of detail, they had everything planned out.

"Sayori and I have been planning out our event for the past few days and we think that it'll be an enjoyable experience for all of our visitors," Monika said.

She opened up her notebook and began to read out what she had written inside.

"So, what we have planned is a little recital. Each of us will write a poem and perform it to the crowd that will hopefully be there. It's not much but we have ways to 'lure' people in. That's where you come in Natsuki," she pointed at me.

I looked up, excited to hear what she had to say.

"You're going to bake a few batches of cupcakes to draw people in. Sayori and I will be making posters advertising the treats being served so we can give our audience a heads up. You can do that, right?"

"Yeah, of course, baking is my specialty," I said.

"Okay, good. Now Yuri, I think you'd be best with the atmosphere and look of the room. I feel like that's what you do best and I know you can do absolute wonders when it comes to the feel of your poems so I'm sure you can do the same for the aura. So decorations and lighting are important."

Yuri smiled at this suggestion, seeming happy with her task.

"I'd be absolutely thrilled to tackle the decorations, atmosphere and mood is my specialty," she said, glancing at me when she copied my own words.

"Wonderful. You both can do that this weekend. Us two will be working on pamphlets and posters, right Sayori?" Monika looked over at Sayori.

"Of course Monika, I'm so excited for the festival," she replied.

"Good, tomorrow we'll be practising reading out our poems to help gain confidence in performing so tonight write a poem to read out, okay?"

I looked over at Yuri and saw her smile drop a little, was she nervous about performing? To be honest, I was a little scared of big crowds especially when they're eyes are all on me. I don't wanna embarrass myself anymore than I already have.

"I think it's time to go home now guys. Lets pack up our stuff and head home."

I slid my manga back into the box and went to go put it back on the shelf in the closet. After that, I started stuffing my stuff into my bag, I wanted to get home before he did. I quickly rushed out the door, shouting goodbye to the others as I did. I ran out of school and all the way home.   
**********************************

I paused when I reached the driveway to my house, his car was parked there. Shit... would he be mad that I wasn't home early? I held my breath and approached the door, hoping that he had already drunk himself into a coma. I quietly opened the door and walked inside, looking around to see where he was. He wasn't there to greet my at the door so that was a good sign. I listened closely as I tip toed into the living room, I could hear his snoring but he wasn't on the sofa, maybe he was upstairs. I didn't want to find out where he was, I just wanted to grab some food and go to bed as quickly as I could. I headed into the kitchen to raid the fridge, hopefully he'd left stuff in there. I searched for a while and eventually came across a ready meal that I could microwave, he probably wouldn't even notice that it was missing. I followed the instructions on the packaging and was soon stuffing the food into my mouth, absolutely ravenous. It tasted nice and it was the most I've ever eaten at home since about almost a month ago, I was so glad that he was asleep. When I was finished, I cleared everything awake and was about to go to bed when I had a sudden idea, maybe I should make cookies for our club meeting tomorrow. Yeah, it'll make things better for everyone and it might help settle my nerves a bit, baking anyways helps. I got to work immediately, making sure that papa was still asleep before I started. I mixed all the ingredients together and I managed to get them into the oven in under twenty minutes which was almost a record for me. I waited impatiently for them to bake and quickly took them pitnof the oven and popped them into the fridge so they could cool. I then rushed up to bed, hoping I could get some actual sleep tonight.


	43. Sayori

I enter the club to see that Natsuki and Yuri were there but Monika wasn't, she must be practising her piano again. She must be very devoted to music seeing as she keeps on missing the first few minutes of club to practise. I sit down at one of the desks near Natsuki, who was scribbling something down in her notebook.

"Are you writing your poem?" I asked, leaning over to peel at what is was.

"N-No!" she said, trying to avoid our skeptical gazes, "Uh, maybe... Oh c'mon, don't look at me like that, I was busy last night!"

"Busy doing what?" Yuri asked.

"You'll see, I'm waiting for Monika to arrive," she answered.

"Okay, I hope she gets here soon then," I said, excited to see what she was hiding. 

I fiddle with my rubber for a while, bored out of my mind. I didn't think I'd have to wait for this long. I was desperate to see what Natsuki had in store and I was excited to start reciting my poem. I feel like they're going to like mine, I spent quite a bit of time working on it, I hope it was worth the effort. 

"I'm here! Sorry, I'm late!" 

I turned around and saw Monika rush into the room, holding her bag in both of her hands. 

"It's okay, were you practicing piano?" Yuri asked. 

"Yes, I was," Monika said, walking over to us. 

"I'm impressed, it must take a lot of determination to a learn a new instrument," she replied, putting her book down. 

"Y-Yeah, I guess," she said. 

"I've always wanted to learn an instrument but I've never had the time. I'm either reading or I'm..." Yuri trailed off, her face going a little red. 

"That's fine, I could always teach you," Monika offered, trying to move away from the awkward silence. 

"Oh m-maybe, it depends," she answered, staring down at her desk. 

"Anyways, now that you're here, I can show you what I've made!" Natsuki jumped in, opening her bag and reaching inside. 

She fumbled about for a bit before pulling out a small cardboard box. 

"Ooo, what's inside?" I ask, reaching over to look. 

"Hey, don't touch that!" Natsuki exclaimed, swatting my hand away. 

"Ow! That hurt!" 

"Well, that's what you get for being impatient," she said, snatching the box away. 

"So what's inside?" Monika asked. 

"I'm getting there, just wait a minute," she sighed, "anyways, because I know that we're all nervous about sharing our poems and I know that some people would be hungry, I thought I should do one for the team and make a few snacks."

Natsuki placed the box on her desk, opened it and pushed it towards us, revealing it's contents.

"Uwooooah!?" I gasped when I saw a bunch of cookies bundled up in the container. 

"W-Wow," I heard Yuri murmur behind me. 

"They look amazing, Natsuki," Monika said. 

"Of course they do, they were made by me and I'm a pro Baker, " Natsuki said smugly, grinning at us as we drooled over her naked goods, "go on, take some."

I instantly dived in, picking one of the biggest biscuits in the box and gobbling it up. It tasted rich and the chocolatey chunks melted instantly in my mouth... it was beautiful. 

"Ah, this is so good," I said, my mouth full of cookie crumbs. 

"Ew, that's gross Sayori, don't talk with your mouth full," Natsuki said, wrinkling her nose in disgust. 

"Awww, come on, don't be mean," I said, pouting at her. 

She rolled her eyes at me and continued eating her own treat. Yuri decided to fill the gap in the conversation. 

"It is disgusting, Sayori," she said. 

"You're siding with her?" I said, wiping my mouth with he back of my hand. 

"As a matter of fact, yes, I am siding with her," she replied, smirking a little. 

"You're all so mean," I said, crossing my arms. 

"I didn't do anything!" Monika said. 

"Everyone but you is mean then," I responded, smiling at her. 

She blushed a little and tried to hide her face. I giggled as she rested her face in her hands. I had no idea why she was blushing but it was cute, she was cute. 

"Right! Are we done?" she asked quickly. 

We all nodded at her which made her sigh with relief. 

"Okay good, so it's time to start performing our poems," she said, "who wants to go first?" 

Everyone went silent when she asked this question, making the atmosphere uncomfortable once again. I looked at Yuri who nervously stared at her lap as she fiddled with her hair, she obviously didn't want to go first. I then looked at Natsuki who was sitting back in her seat, making a weird face, I guess it was the same for her. I didn't mind going first but my poem probably isn't a good example to follow, none of my poems are, and my voice is super annoying so I won't do well at all. 

"I'll go first then," Monika sighed, standing up. 

"I can go after you," I replied. 

Monika smiled at me which made me feel a bit weird, was my face getting hotter? I brushed off that though and tried to concentrate on only her and her voice. 


	44. Monika

"This poem is called 'Copycat'" I said, smiling at my small audience. 

I did feel a little nervous but I wasn't going to let this bother me, I was club leader and I needed to be the shining example for my club members. I took a deep breath and started to read. 

_"I knew from the moment that I saw them that they were filled with malicious intent._

_They try to be a mirror image but they'll never be me._

_They'll never have what I have,_

_my charm,_

_my looks,_

_my achievements,_

_my personality._

_They strive to be better than what I am now but I'll always be one step ahead._

_Step out of the shadows, copycat, stop trying to hide._

_If you want to be me so badly,_

_come confront the real picture._

_Do you really like what you see?"_

There was just silence, it was unsettling to say the least. I look back up at the others and they were just sitting there, staring at me. 

"Uh, are you gonna just sit there or are you gonna give me some feedback?" I said. 

"Oh yeah, almost forgot about that," Sayori replied, "it was really good Monika, it suited you a lot."

"Y-Yes, Sayori is right, the poem and the way you present yourself around others match well. The confidence in your voice and the teasing tone in the poem came together very easily, well done Monika," Yuri said. 

"Uh, what they said," Natsuki replied.

I smile, feeling happy that they were impressed. I was always kind of scare of failing them. 

"Are you ready, Sayori?" 

"Uh yeah, I think I-" 

"I'll go!" Yuri cut her off. 

"Oh... Okay," Sayori said, "if you really want to."

Yuri stood up and walked over to the podium at the front of the room, opening up to her poem. 


	45. Yuri

"T-This poem is called 'Worldwide hatred'" I stuttered, feeling my anxiety kick in.

I paused, trying to keep myself from shaking.

"I-I'm sorry, I-" I said.

"It's okay, Yuri, take as much time as you need," Monika said, trying to reassure me.

I nodded and started to read.

" _A continuous streak of never ending pain, all held under the strain of a society gone wild._

_We look to the higher-ups for answers but all we get is meaningless promises_   
_strewn together in a pointless speech._

_We go on with our lives, ignoring the suffering going on behind the scenes._

_We speak out but we're silenced, our opinions hidden by the wall of disgust and disbelief._

_We follow orders from those wealthier or more powerful, we never question their requests_

_We act like sheep after all_ _and we all contribute to this massive scheme."_

I look up and see that they've all been stunned into silence. I cover my face, embarrassed by my performance, god I'm such a failure. After a while, I hear someone clapping. I peek through my fingers and see everyone else clapping.

"That was amazing Yuri," Sayori said, cheering loudly.

"I think you did better than me there, you changed into a completely different person," Monika replied.

Natsuki just stared up at my in awe, probably unsure of what to say to me.

"Uh, I decided to be a little more d-direct in this poem," I said.

"It worked well, it really did," Natsuki murmured, looking away from me.

"It's very political, isn't it?" Monika said.

"Yes, I decided to go down that route because of the... events that have been transpiring recently," I replied, a little unsure of how to put it.

"Oh, that makes sense," Sayori said, "oh, it's my turn now!"

She jumped out of the seat, pulled a sheet of paper out of her pocket and rushed up to the front.


	46. Sayori

"This poem is called 'Sunflower seeds'" I said.

I glanced up the others and let a little giggle escape my lips. They looked at me, confused by my little laugh.

"Sorry, I couldn't help it, I just laugh when I'm nervous," I said, covering my mouth to prevent it from happening it again.

"Don't worry about it, just imagine that your performing to yourself in the mirror," Monika said.

"Oh okay then," I said.

I look at my poem and start to read, trying to put my fears behind me.

_"_ _I take them everywhere I go,_

_the park, the gardens, the city, my home,_

_to spread my little seeds of joy._

_I love to watch them grow_

_into happy yellow sunflowers,_

_I love to watch them play_

_around with all the others._

_They shine golden in the sun,_

_stand tall in heavy rain._

_They make others very happy_

_with their lovely_ _sun_ _rays._

_I'll never run out,_

_my supply is forever._

_I'll never let them wilt,_

_or let_ _their pretty petals fall._

_I'll keep them safe inside my heart,_

_give them the biggest part._

_My little sunflowers,_

_My small pride,_

_My eternal happiness,_

_My golden girls._ _"_

I smile to myself, that came out a lot better than I thought, looks like Monika was right.

"I really liked that," Yuri said, "it's really you Sayori."

"I agree with Yuri but I feel like your voice wouldn't suit other poems you may write," Monika said.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You need to emphasise some of the words a little more, give them more power. Your voice can be a little too soft when you read your poems," she said, "b-but I still loved it, it was still amazing."

"Its okay, I understand. I need to change my voice while reading my poems, I think I can do that."

We turned to Natsuki who had been quiet throughout this who ordeal.

"Is there anything you have to say?" Monika asked.

"Uh, N-No! You all said what I was thinking anyways!" she snapped, glaring at us.

"Well, it's your turn next," I stepped away from the podium.

"Okay, fine! I might as well get it over with," she grumbled, snatching up her poem and stomping to the front.


	47. Natsuki

"T-This poem is called..." I look up at the others nervously, frowning when I saw them staring at me, "can you guys not please?!"

"What?" Monika asks, confusion clouding her face.

"You're staring! It makes me uncomfortable!" I replied

"But it's a performance, we have to watch you," Yuri said.

"Yeah but-" I cut myself off, trying to find a fair point I could respond with. I groan when nothing came to me.

"You can do it, Natsuki, I know you can," Sayori said, giving me a thumbs up.

"Okay, fine! But don't expect me to do well!" I said.

They all went quiet, patiently waiting for me to start.

"This poem is c-called 'Little R-Rabbit'" I stuttered.

_"_ _Little Rabbit,_   
_Hungry Rabbit,_   
_He really needed some food._   
_Hungry Rabbit,_   
_Angry Rabbit,_   
_It always put him in a mood._   
_Angry Rabbit,_   
_Sad Rabbit,_   
_But there was a solution._   
_Sad Rabbit,_   
_Happy Rabbit,_   
_There was food in the farmers garden._   
_Happy Rabbit,_   
_Nervous Rabbit,_   
_He'd have to be very sneaky._   
_Nervous Rabbit,_   
_Scared Rabbit,_   
_Because the farmer was very freaky._   
_Scared Rabbit,_   
_Frightened Rabbit,_   
_It was a long journey he'd have to take._   
_Frightened Rabbit,_   
_Petrified Rabbit,_   
_But suddenly down came the rake._   
_Unlucky Rabbit,_   
_Dead_ _Rabbit_ _._ _"_

I didn't even want to look at them, ugh this was so embarrassing! I took one peek at them and rolled my eyes when I saw them just watching.

"Don't just fucking sit there, say something!" I exclaimed, crossing my arms.

"I liked it! It was cute but also creepy at the same time," Sayori said.

"Of course you liked it, you like everything," I mutter to myself.

"It was lovely, Natsuki, I enjoyed it," Yuri said.

I was a little more surprised by Yuri's comment, I didn't think she liked my poems that much because they weren't her style. Maybe we're better friends than I originally thought.

"What's it about? I didn't exactly catch the meaning," Monika asked.

"It's about people shitting on your goals and achievements," I put it bluntly because that was only part of it.

I was starting to feel hungry so I moved over to the cookie box and pick one out.

"Can I have another one?" Sayori asked, already reaching in to take another.

"Sure, whatever, I don't really care," I replied.

I couldn't really take them home anyways, I wouldn't be able to eat them by myself. Would I even be able to eat them at home? I didn't want to find out.

"Well, I think that wraps up our club meeting for today," Monika announced, "you all know the drill."

I pick up the box with trembling hands. These club meetings were ending so early and I wasn't so keen on that. I didn't want to take these home either. I decide to approach Monika with them, hoping she would take them home and save them for our next club meeting.

"Hey, Monika, could you hold onto these until tomorrow? I can't really take them home because of... reasons," I said.

"Reasons...? Oh yeah, I will, don't worry about it," she replied, taking the box from me.

I started to walk away but she grabbed onto my arm.

"Stay safe, Natsuki," she said.

"I will," I offer her a weak smile.

She smiles back and lets go of me. I pack up the rest of my stuff and walk out, feeling just a little bit better about myself.


	48. Monika

Natsuki and Yuri both just left the clubroom, leaving me and Sayori behind. I look over at her, feeling nervous for some reason, and wait for her to finish packing up her stuff so I could lock the door. I noticed her glance at me for a few second, smile then turn back to her stuff, slowly dropping each item into her bag. Her smile was nice and it made me feel warm inside, a complicated feeling that I didn't want to understand anymore. I still don't understand how I fell for her so quickly, maybe it's desperation or the need to fulfill my own desires, perhaps I want someone to make me feel better about myself. I don't really know what I want anymore, good friends? I already have those. A girlfriend? Don't think I'll be getting one anytime soon. A future? Not so sure about that. Happiness? I don't deserve that anymore. 

"Are you ready to go Monika?" she said, tapping my shoulder which made me flinch. 

"Oh, y-yeah, let's go," I said, trying to play it off cool. 

I started to head towards the door but I felt Sayori hold onto my wrist and gently pull me back. I was met by her eyes, which looked up at me with slight concern and confusion. I smiled awkwardly at her, realising her close I was to her and how that made me feel. 

"Are you okay?" she asked. 

"W-What? I'm fine," I replied. 

"No you're not, I can tell when you're upset," Sayori said, sliding her hand down my wrist until in was in my hand. 

I hesitated, feeling bad for worrying her, I don't want her to be troubled in any way. As much as I wanted to tell her, I didn't want to dump my worries and issues onto her, she's been through enough. 

"It's nothing much, just a bit of a moody episode, it'll pass soon," l said, squeezing her hand to reassure her. 

"Are you sure? I'm still worried."

"Yeah, there's no need to be worried about me, I'm perfectly fine," I replied. 

"Okay, if you say so," she said. 

She quickly glanced down at our hands which were still linked together and giggled, making me blush from embarrassment. I instantly let go, feeling awkward once again and a little sad that our moment had passed. 

"Sorry," I muttered, "we should probably go now."

"Good idea," she skipped out of the room, I followed her. 

I locked the door behind us and we walked out of the school in an awkward silence. Things had been like this between us for a couple of days now, I wanted to break this silence. 

"So how have you been?" I asked.

"Things haven't changed but it's okay, I'm alright," Sayori answered, smiling at me. 

The smile looked a little forced, I could see the pain behind the facade. 

"Are you sure? You can always talk to me Sayori," I said. 

"Well, like I said, not much has changed but I like it like that. I like that things are still the same," she replied, her voice sounding sad. 

"Well, I just want to make sure your okay," I said. 

"I know you do, Moni, and I appreciate that a lot," she said. 

Moni? She's given me a nickname? My heart fluttered a little hearing this and I chuckled at this feeling. She looked up me, confused. 

"When did you think of the nickname then?" I asked. 

"Oh god, it just came to me. I'm sorry," she giggled, covering her slightly pink face. 

"No it's fine, I like it," I said. 

"Really?" 

"Of course, it's nice. I should probably give you one now," I said, thinking for a few seconds. 

It was actually quite difficult to think of a nickname for Sayori, nothing really worked that well with her personality. It took a while but I eventually thought of one that seemed to suit her well. 

"Cinnamon bun," I muttered, not feeling that comfortable with my choice. 

"I like that name, its sweet," she replied. 

"Okay, awesome," I said. 

"Thanks Monika, you've really made me feel better today," Sayori beamed at me. 

I smile back at her, happy to help. She's helped me too, she's helped me forget all the bad things that have happened to me. I want to do the same for her. 

"Anyways, this is my stop," she said. 

I looked up at her house and nodded even though I wanted to spend more time with her. She glanced towards her door then back at me. Suddenly, her arms wrapped around me in a tight hug which surprised me a little. I hugged her back as hard as I could, as if this were my only chance to. 

"You're so nice to me Moni," she whispered.

"You're even nicer to me, cinnamon bun," I replied. 

She let go of me then ran up to her door. 

"Bye!" she shouted as she went inside. 

"Bye!" I call back. 

I keep up the smile for a few seconds then let it drop as I start to walk home. Things really had been changing recently, the mood in the club is constantly going up and down. I'm not sure whether it's a good thing or not, we're all being subjected to this horrific reality in the place where we should feel most safe, the literature club. Then we have to go home to places where we don't feel safe at all, Sayori back to her own mind, Yuri back to her knives and addictions, Natsuki back to her abusive dad and a house with no food and me back to... 

"What do you mean it ended early?!" 

"I don't have to explain anything to you!" 

I could hear them shouting from outside the door, their voices loud and clear. I sigh and unlock it, hoping I could slip by without them noticing me. 

"Do you know how much money we've wasted on this business trip? We had to buy plane tickets for you, buy accommodation, all of which was very expensive!" 

"It all came out of my pockets, where do you think you get your money from?" dad said. 

My dad came home early from his business trip yesterday evening, we got no explanation as to why. Of course we had to be all smiles because the neighbours came round to ask him how it went. Now they're fighting again, god I wish I was dead right now. 

"This is ridiculous! This is an absolute waste!" my mother shouted. 

"Oh come on, what were you gonna spend all that money on? Booze, chocolates? You could do with a lot less, you're starting to look fat!" his voice got louder. 

I heard a gasp and a loud noise, almost like a slap. I froze, what the hell just happened? There was just silence after that, no one spoke for ages. I didn't know what to do, should I run up to my room and pretend I heard nothing? Or do I go in to see what happened? I was too scared to go in but I knew that if I tried to get past they would see me and try to get me into it. So I just stood there, terrified, unsure of what to do. 

After some time I heard someone start to walk out of the room, I tried to get away and maybe hide but I paused when I saw it was my mother. 

"Come on Monika, go gather your things, we're gonna go stay with your grandma," she said, her voice lacking emotion. 

She walked away before I could say anything. I crept past the living room and peeked inside. I saw my father sitting on the sofa on his phone, he was texting someone. I shrugged this off and ran up to my room, grabbing a bag and looking around for things I wanted to take. I don't know how long we were staying with my grandma for but I certainly couldn't bring everything so I grabbed my school stuff, some clothes and a few other things. I messaged Sayori, letting her know that I may not be in school tomorrow and asking her if she could run the club for the day, my mother probably didn't want me to leave her tomorrow. 

"Hurry up Monika!" 

"Yeah of course, bring Monika into your toxic lifestyle, see how long she'll survive with you!" 

"Oh when did you ever care?" 

I decided to be quick. Once I was done I hurried downstairs with my suitcase, hoping to get out of here soon. 

"Hey, kid," dad said, "if you ever decide that your mother isn't worth it then come back here."

I looked at him in absolute disgust and continued walking. I followed mum outside to her car and put my suitcase into the boot. 

"Don't listen to him, he's a waste of space," she snarled, glaring back at the house. 

We both got inside the car. 

"He can let that bitch into our house, I don't give a damn anymore. He better not come crying to me when she leaves him and takes his money with her," she muttered. 

I figured it would be the opposite but I didn't say anything as she pulled out of the drive, making bitter remarks about the man that had once been my father. 


	49. Yuri

The scars... They're too much. I look down at my arm and see the zigzag lines that stretched across my skin, they had started to fade, I didn't like that. I tried to distract myself by writing a new poem for the pamphlets but I couldn't get past the word "light" which was part of the fucking title.

"Control it, Yuri, don't give in," I whispered to myself, a desperate attempt to stop this madness.

My hands were shaking as I picked up my pen, I couldn't even control my own body anymore. I tried writing but my hand writing looked horrible, it was messy and went all over the page. In my annoyance, I slammed my hand on the table.

"You're fucking useless," I hissed.

I dropped the pen and stood up from my chair, marching over to my bed. I knelt down, slid my hand underneath it and searched for a large box which contained all my smaller boxes. I pulled it out and took the lid off, revealing my beautiful collection, each blade in its individual container to keep them safe. I had labelled each of them so I could always pick one that fit my mood, I gave them names that matched their designs. They were all perfect, they were all loved equally and they were like my best friends. I picked up a box labelled "Adam" and took the knife out. It was such a pretty one as well. A skull with little devil horns and ruby red eyes, such a pretty sight to behold, one that I lusted for, a demon named Adam.

"Only a few wouldn't hurt," I said, rolling down my sleeve and placing the knife against my paper.

I pressed down, waiting patiently for the first drop of ink to spill, when it did I went in deeper, trying to get more of that beautiful liquid to fall from my paper. The pain was tolerable, I had been through it so many times before that I was now just numb to it, I didn't mind that though, the pain was the best part for me.

It was difficult to explain, no one would ever understand the feeling of the knives and the intense emotions that would rush through my body, it was as if I were high on ecstacy, in my own state of euphoria, I loved it. People are desperate for me to stop using my blades but they're the only thing that makes me feel truly happy, they make me feel alive.

Deeper and deeper my knife went as if it were exploring a dark cave, discovering the veins hiding in the nooks and crannies. Digging and digging. Cutting and cutting.

I only stop when I feel myself go lightheaded, a dizziness that I had never felt before. The world around me spun and I glanced down at my wrist, I had cut on the inside today, where all my important veins were. I giggled at first, the thrill of the knife still pumping through me like the ink leaking out my wound but I soon found that adrenaline wearing off and I found myself coming back to my senses. What the hell was I doing? I didn't want to die, that's not my intent at all!

I quickly reached over to the box of tissues I kept nearby and plucked a lot from it, covering the cuts. The blood soaker through but I held it down, hoping it would cut the blood flow.

My attempts at staying conscious were futile as   
I  
Slowly  
Started  
To  
Fall  
Into  
Slumber

... 

**********************************************

Everything was blurry, everything was fuzzy. My eyes fluttered open, attempting to adjust to the light from my lamp. I noticed a few things as I slowly started to gain consciousness, the aching pain in my wrist and back, the pounding headache attacking my head, a heavy feeling in my body and... something else. I let my vision adjust before sitting up, hissing in pain. I must have fallen on the floor when I fell asleep, that explains the back pain. Luckily I didn't bleed out, the blood flow seemed to have stopped in time before things got fatal, my carpet was covered in blood though and its gonna take forever to get those stains out. I stood up, holding onto my chair for support, and made my way over to my bed, ill get some bandages in a minute. 

It seems I got a little too lost in my own world, looks like I'm gonna have to throw my school skirt in the wash for tonight. I didn't want to, I was so tired, but I had to push on and get stuff done, I had to cover up my unintentional attempt. 

I searched for my phone to see if anyone tried to call me, I didn't want anyone to worry about me when I was fine. I saw the Sayori had texted me earlier, maybe about 9 minutes ago. I opened it up to see what she said. 

_"Monika said she wasn't going to be in tomorrow so I'm in charge tomorrow_

_..._

_I'm going to assume you're asleep right now, hope you see this message soon."_

I quickly replied. 

_"Sorry I had a little nap earlier, I've only just seen this. I don't think I'll be at school tomorrow either, I feel a little under the weather. See you soon."_

It took her about a minute to reply which was unusual for Sayori as she always responded straight away. 

_"Okay, I hope you feel better."_

_"Thank you."_

I sighed and got up once again, staggering out of the room to the bathroom where I kept all my "post-writing" supplies. I looked at the wound and winced when I saw how big it was, I didn't mean for it to be like this. I cleaned it up, wrapped a few bandages around it and went back to my room to get changed into something more comfy, I needed to wash my school clothes anyways. 

When I was finally finished, I collapsed onto my bed, tired as hell. I was pretty much done for the day even though I had that nap earlier. It really knocked the wind out of me. There was one final thing I had to do though, I needed to finish my poem. I grabbed a new sheet of paper and grabbed my pen, writing as quick as I could before I fell asleep, lost to this mortal coil temporarily. 


	50. Natsuki

Lessons have been as boring as ever, the teacher was going through shit we've already learnt so I just wasn't paying attention at all. I noticed that Monika wasn't here and Yuri too, looks like it'll be just me and Sayori for todays meeting, if we even decide to have one.

My minds slowly creeps back to Yuri, I wonder why she isn't here today. She doesn't seem like the kind of person to get ill regularly and I don't think she would even dare skip school, I guess it's just one of those days. Still though, I'm worried about her, she's been very reclusive, I don't think she likes me that much which upsets me more than I originally thought. I mean, we've both been incredibly awkward since the sleepover and our little reading time but I don't want it to be like that, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me just because of some little kiss that probably means nothing even though I wish it did. 

I sigh and sit back in my seat, feeling pissed of, that kiss just hindered our friendship, I shouldnt have done it. I mentally slap myself for it, I'm such an idiot, maybe he was right about everything... 

I shake my head, getting that thought out my head, I can't let him control me forever, I will escape him eventually. I tell myself this everyday. 

I look up and try to concentrate on my work much more, maybe it'll be better if I get good grades.   
************************'***********************

I'm walking down to the club after school and see Sayori standing outside the club room with a pained expression on her face. I approach her to see what was bothering her. 

"You okay, Sayori?" I asked.

"Oh! Yeah, I'm fine, I was just thinking about the club. Maybe I should call off todays meeting, seeing as it's only us two," she replied. 

I hesitated for a moment before answering, I wasn't sure if I wanted that to happen. 

"I don't know," I said, "my dad's probably not home yet so I'm basically locked out of my house."

It was a lie, I had my keys on me, I just wanted an excuse to stay at school. 

"Well, you could always come round to mine for a while," Sayori said. 

"Really?!" I said, feeling so relieved. 

I suddenly blushed, feeling embarrassed by my happiness, God I looked so weird. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to... Ugh, sure, I'd love to go to your house," I sighed, mentally slapping myself. 

"Yay!!" she squealed, "let's go!" 

"What? Now?" I asked. 

"Yes now, there's not much point holding a meeting if only two of us are here," she grabbed onto my arm and pulled me out of school all the way to her house. 


	51. Sayori

I was so happy to have Natsuki round my house again, I didn't feel lonely with her around. Everything had slowly been caving in on me recently and I needed to take my mind off of it by hanging with her, she knows how to diffuse tension. 

I lead her through several streets, holding onto her hand tight, hoping she wouldn't question my eagerness. We eventually got back to my house and I pulled out my keys so I could get in. However as my hand searched my pocket, they were nowhere to be found. 

"Huh?" I muttered as I reached in further. 

Where the hell were they? I always put them in this pocket, I never forget to. 

"What's going on?" Natsuki asked. 

"I can't find my keys," I giggled nervously. 

"Maybe they're in your other pockets?" she said. 

"No, I never put my keys in other pockets, I must've left them on the table," I replied. 

"Sayori! You need to be more careful!" 

"I know, I know! I'm always like this," I sigh, giving up on my search. 

I sit down on the porch, feeling disappointed in myself once again, why do I always do this? I always have to fuck everything up. I look up at Natsuki who's now looking through one of the windows. 

"I don't see them on the table..." she said. 

"I don't know! They must be in there somewhere!" I exclaimed. 

"Jesus, Sayori, calm down!" she replied. 

"No! What can I be calm about? Nothing because all I do is fail!" 

I was crying again... damn I couldn't stop that anymore. My body shook with my sobs and no matter how many times I held onto my wrists, my hands wouldn't keep still.

"Sayori? Are you okay?" Natsuki sat next to me. 

"I really am pathetic huh? I can't even do something as simple as remember my fucking keys," I laughed coldly through all my tears. 

"No Sayori, you're not useless at all! Everyone makes mistakes like these, you're not alone at all," she placed one hand over mine, trying her best to comfort me. 

Comfort never usually works for me, I don't like to see hope in pointless situations, me in this case being the pointless situation. I give her the benefit of the doubt and return her gesture with a simple yet empty smile, she deserves that at least. 

"We all love you, we would hate to lose you. The feeling of the club as a whole will change if you weren't there with us. I'm not good at consoling people but I know one thing, hugs!" she suddenly wrapped her arms around me tightly. She was right though, she was a very good hugger. 

"Thanks Natsuki," I said, wincing a little when something sharp pressed into my side. 

I felt around for this strange object and soon came to the conclusion that it was in my pocket. I reached in and pulled out... my god damn keys. I guess Natsuki was right about checking the other pocket... 

"You'll never guess what I just found," I said nervously, holding up my keys. 

Natsuki was quiet for a moment as she stared at the keys, a mix of anger and almost amusement flooding her features. I closed my eyes, ready for her tsundere onslaught but it never came. 

"Let's get inside then, it's cold out here."

I heard her stand up and walk over to the door, tapping her foot on the floor as she waited for me to follow. I blinked in surprise, confused by this calm reaction. While she still held a look of annoyance on her face, Natsuki was doing a good job of holding back her sour attitude even though it seemed to be a lot of hard work. I quickly got to my feet and unlocked the door, closing it behind us as we entered. 

"Wow, this place is way less messy," she said from the living room, probably inspecting every corner of the room to see if anything was out of place. 

"Looks like I've been doing a better job at taking care of myself," I chuckled. 

In reality, I hadn't done shit this week, I've stayed in my room for the entire duration. I haven't eaten in days, slept in days, washed in days. All I've had with me is my thoughts, my notebook and Jerry, my big cow plushie. 

"Looks a little too clean..." she said, squinting a little as she glanced round once more. 

"What do you mean?" I asked. 

"Hmm? Oh, it's nothing, was just thinking out loud."

I stared at her for a moment before giving up altogether and sitting on the sofa, I patted the seat next to me, telling her that she could sit down. Natsuki walked over and sat next to me. 

"I wonder how Yuri and Monika are doing," I say. 

"Hopefully they're back by Monday," she replied. 

We sat in silence for a while, unable to fill the gaps in our conversation, there was nothing left to say. I want to tell her about my feelings for a while, the weird confusing feelings. The idea that I'm... Ugh I just can't admit it, I don't want her to tell anyone else about it. I trust Natsuki though, she would never betray a friends trust... 

You know what? I'm gonna tell her!

"Natsuki... I have something pretty big to tell you, promise not to blab it to anyone else?" 

"Of course, what do you wanna tell me?" 

I swallowed back my nerves and started to explain. 

"It's only been a short period of time yet I feel so confused about stuff and myself. I thought I knew everything about me but obviously not, I still have so much to hide from myself. But... I think I've finally figured something out," I said, staring at my hands. 

"Figured what out Sayori?" 

"I think I'm um... pansexual," I muttered, beginning to hide my red face.

I looked up at her and saw shock in her eyes, she was trying her hardest to speak but nothing was coming out of her mouth. Shit, I really fucked up this time, maybe I shouldn't have said anything! I was already regretting my decision to open up and I quickly hid my face again. My thoughts were right, no one loved me, no one at all... 


	52. Monika

I was sitting in one of the guest rooms in my grandmas house, trying to catch up on my school work. I had emailed my teachers earlier on, letting them know that I would be absent for the day, they just sent me the work I missed. I was finding it difficult to concentrate though, my mind would wander every few minutes or so and I'd have to pull myself from the new world it walked into, a world of infinite choices and possibilities. A world where we we're all finally happy, free from the pages of this story that we're all trapped in. It's always sad to remember that this imaginary world is fake.

I look back through all the files I had been sent containing my work, feeling frustrated by my short attention span, I've never been this bad before. Over time, I learnt how to focus and how important it was to focus but recently things have been distracting me easily, I'd always end up thinking of Sayori and how she was doing without me, she meant the world to me. However I knew I had to wind my neck in eventually, I can't dwell on this crush forever otherwise it would destroy me and my future.

I start to type out an essay I had been set for English, a question about Macbeth and how the idea of insanity is presented in the play. I had answered many questions like this before so I knew what I was doing, my teacher always seemed happy with my answers anyways.

_Shakespeare presents insanity as an important theme_ _in the play as..._

I couldn't put it into words, I'm just reminded of those horrible days in the past when I over worked myself to the point where I wouldn't leave my room, my mother was so proud of me, she used to call me her little Macbeth. Of course I don't kill people, I would never kill a person, she called me that because I never let anyone or anything get in the way of me and my goals, I'd do anything to get to success. I shiver as the memories slowly creep back to haunt me, those weeks in my room were some of the worst. I had constant headaches, stomach cramps and I remember leaving for the first time and looking into a mirror only to see a reflection that was not my own. The girl that had stared back at me had pale white skin, her eyes had lost colour, her hair was dull and looked like a birds nest, she looked lifeless and dead to the world. It took a while for her to get back to my routine, for her to become me again and even then that small part of her remained, those tiny imperfections cling to me like leeches, sucking out my confidence as if it were blood. I could do nothing to stop it.

I sigh and slam the laptop shut, I had the whole weekend to finish my work anyways. I look around the room, trying to push away my oncoming anxiety attack by fixing my attention on something more interesting than homework. This is the room I always stay in when I visit my grandma, the toy room as I like to call it, a place where I could play while my mother bitched about my father to my grandma downstairs in the kitchen. It had been years since I had last played with the dolls in the toy chest, I was maybe 13 at the time though I can't exactly remember all the details. There had been many dolls but I remember playing with 5 of them, the ones that looked different from the others.

I walked over to the toy chest and knelt next to it, brushing off the dust that had settled on the surface of its wooden lid before lifting it up to reveal a musty mess of toys beneath. I reached inside and pulled out my first childhood doll who had of course been named Dolly by 4 year old me, she was a simple potato-sack ragdoll made by my great aunt who had previously passed it down to my grandma when she was a little girl. I remember loving Dolly with all my heart, hugging her until her stuffing went flat and nibbling on her hand until it ripped open and had to be sewn back up again. She was a source of ugly comfort, the one who didn't need to be beautiful to be loved. I kiss her limp head gently before placing her down on the floor.

I looked inside and found my next friend, Esme the pretty princess. Esme was different to me because she didn't fit the typical "girlish doll" stereotype, she was strong-willed and ruled with an iron fist... but she always had time for a lovely tea party with the others. Esme had jet black hair and pale skin, the reddest lips and her eyes shined with a silver, murderous glint, the pretty princess part of her name makes me laugh now as she's the complete opposite. She was based off of some old fairy tale that had been forgotten over time, she was a lost queen and that's what I love about her, she was my own story now. I dipped my head in a little bow as I sat her next to Dolly.

I found young Clover next, a small porcelain girl who had a constant frown on her face and a glassy eyed stare that made it look like tears were about to fall down her face. I always used to cheer her up with little tea parties because while I could never make her smile I knew that inside she was happy and that made me happy too. I put her down and looked inside the box once again.

I smile when I see my next friend, Ana Maria, smiling up at me with confidence. She was a beautiful doll with a perfect face, perfect eyes, perfect smile. My grandmother always said that I looked like her but I highly disagree, I could never be as beautiful as her. Ana Maria didn't need cheering up as she was always happy, she always knew what to do, she acted like a leader and she played her part well. All the dolls like her a lot and think she does a good job, I wonder what she thinks of herself, does she think she's worthy of leading the way to their next party? Or does she think differently? I never dwell on those questions for long.

The final member of this strange family was Rupert, a rather evil looking boy. He had a sickening grin plastered on his babyish face and twisted amber eyes. I had never liked Rupert, he was always like the villain in my stories. He spied on the girl, tried to get in on their parties and then would leave his unnecessary input about one of them, hurting their feelings. I've found that Rupert has a weird fascination with Esme and her work, he constantly tries to steal her and her crown. I've never known his true intentions, they've been left in the dark along with his humanity, festering in the shadows. I just let his story go on rather than put him back in the toy box, I always wanted to see where it would head.

I look at the give dolls with glee, it had been so long since I had held them all, I missed it a lot.

"Now where's your table and chairs?" I muttered, peering into the box, "ah, there they are!"

I pulled out a set of tables and chairs which I always sat them on for their tea parties. I don't know how I found this game to entertaining, all I would do is hold an invisible tea cup up to their lips and make them talk, any other kid would find that boring as hell yet it always managed to keep my attention for hours. I placed them on their chairs, the feeling of nostalgia creeping up on my back, and happily placed their imaginary teacups in front of them on the table.

"What would you all like then?" I whispered, "the usual?"

Their silence said yes to me and I served their tea to them. I felt like that happy little kid again, one who could be herself and that made me glad to be alive.

"It's been years since you last played with those toys."

I jumped up in surprise, startled by the voice behind me. I look around and see my grandma standing by the door, smiling at my childish antics.

"Uh y-yeah, it has, hasn't it?" I replied, feeling a little embarrassed.

"Ah, they're all so pretty aren't they? Just like you Monika," she said, slowly kneeling next to me.

"I'm not pretty," I said, "not like any of these dolls."

"Of course you are, beauty can vary from person to person. Everyone is beautiful, you are certainly no exception," she replied, reaching out and placing her hand on my cheek.

"Thank you grandma," I said, "I thought you were talking to mother downstairs."

"I've sent her back to your house with your uncle to collect a few of your things, it's better that she had reliable company," she replied.

"I could've helped her, it's my stuff as well."

"Well, I wanted to have a talk with my wonderful granddaughter," she smiled at me once more.

I nod, unsure of what to say, what did she want to talk about? I look back at the dolls who were enjoying each others company, something about them was slightly off though, they seemed to be looking at me expectantly, waiting for me to say something. I quickly look away again.

"So how has school been?" she asked.

"School has been good, nothing much has happen though," I answered.

I couldn't really say much otherwise I'd be spilling my guts out, I don't know how accepting my grandmother actually is. I can't really risk telling anyone about the fact that I'm a lesbian, I knew that she would want to talk about relationships as well, she would try to at any given moment.

"Any lucky person yet?"

There it was, the big and obvious question. I don't know why my grandma wants to know about my dead love life, maybe she wants to be nosy... or maybe she wants to see if someone is making me feel better. I don't know what to tell her anymore, it's becomes easy to lie through my teeth.

"No boy in my school has come forward so that's a no," I replied.

"What about the girls then?"

I freeze when she says this and dig my nails into my skin, anxiety was taking over. How the hell did she know? I've always been good at keeping quiet, I'd always tell her that there were no appealing people in my class so how?

"Monika?" her voice snapped me back into reality.

I feel her hold onto my shaky hands, her grip gentle but firm. I look up and see a soft expression on her face, not exactly a smile but not a frown either.

"H-How did you-?"

"I see the way you look at Avery," she said, the smile returning to her face.

Avery lives just across the street, an absolutely beautiful woman. Not even a possibility for me as she's five years older and has a boyfriend but I can dream. Anyways, I had Sayori now, she was all I needed.

"Well... there is one person, she's like a best friend but I want it to be more. I doubt she feels the same though," I murmured sadly.

"And how do you know that Monika? You can assume all you want but that doesn't mean its always meant to be that way."

"But how could she like me like that? I just don't want to get my hopes up only to be rejected," I stared out of the window, hoping this conversation would be over soon.

"Monika, you're a wonderful young girl, there will always be someone out there for you."

"Really?" I questioned the likeliness of that.

"Of course, come here," grandma held her arms out to me. I scooted over and let her wrap them around me.

"Thank you grandma, I love you," I whispered.

"I love you too."


End file.
